From time to time I realize this blog is not just about Elisa. It's about my life with her which can sometimes bring up a range of emotions and topics that are not exactly all smiles and rainbows. It's part of being a parent, I suppose, that we feel things more deeply sometimes and we care in new and profound ways because we have found a new capacity to love someone. I can't hear or read about kids being hurt or bullied, killed or killing themselves without an almost visceral reaction. I'm reduced to quiet tears any number of days--usually just for a moment--when I see empathy in practice. Small gestures with meaning are so valuable when the rest of life can seem chaotic. Is this the reality of mothering or just a hormonal imbalance? Who knows. But for whatever reason during the past two years, I've found that my heart aches in new ways when I encounter suffering. In the past few weeks, we've found out a good friend of ours is very sick. His cancer returned and has spread within his body. It's the worst news any family could face and yet his has wrapped him in love and are waiting by his side every day to see him conquer this beast. He's 25. It's just not fair. I find myself wondering how life can change so dramatically and how any of us can cope with the unknown. How can I protect my daughter throughout a life I cannot even imagine for her? It's not really fear that I feel at this thought, but resignation. I know I can't keep her safe. Just like how I know that when I see the face of suffering, it could really be my own. We are all so vulnerable in this life.
EDITED TO ADD: Today, October 24, 2010 we lost our friend and surrogate little brother Patrick Wessel. We will miss him greatly.
Photo courtesy of Clarke Tolton
5 comments:
This parenting stuff is a wild ride, huh? This is a good post, Ann. You managed to summarize a lot of what I have been feeling and dealing with emotionally lately. When I think about my newborn having major surgery and I have nothing to relate it to because I haven't experienced a single surgery in my 35 years it all seems very surreal.
No one tells you about this part of parenting...the constant internal struggle of wanting them to explore and experience all life has to offer...to want bigger and better for them...all while maintaining that sense of innocence and keeping them out of harms way...with harm being everything from bullies at school to illness. All of which it seems is out of our hands for the most part. We may not have control over which cards we are dealt, but we do have control over how we respond and react.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer doesn't discriminate that is for sure. 25 is so young...it sounds like he has a lot of love and supporting surrounding him and I hope this helps carry him through a full recovery...
Thanks so much, Stacey. I know you get it, and yet I can't imagine what you are gearing up for. I am in awe of you with 3!! You're so right about the control part. I work on that every day!
As usual...very thoughtful post. You speak volumes for all the moms out there. I love the photo of Patrick...my heart just aches to look at his youth and know that he is gone. I honestly believe that this is the worst part of living...when those you love can't live anymore.
you are awesome. So sorry about your friend. I often think that parenting is the best and the worst job I will ever have. My thoughts will be with you!
i am so very sorry to hear about your friend...a very sad thing for such a young guy...thoughts are with you.
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