Better times

Sometimes I just need to vent. Apparently that was what I needed to do the other day as I posted the first of our beach pics. After I wrote, I tried to summon more patience and more humor to deal with Elisa. It helped that she took an awesome nap and when she woke up, I took her down to the beach. Just the two of us playing and dancing around. And then Nacho and Carolina joined us, and Grandpa and Leroy were fishing all the while. We laughed and got our toes wet and then things got exciting...

Within the space of half an hour we had our first photographed shark sighting and Leroy hooked a stingray and landed him on the beach. It was like National Geographic meets our family vacation. It more than made up for the rocky start to the week and it made me realize that like all things, sometimes vacations need time to improve. And we have plenty of time this trip, so I just needed to take a breath and wait. The cycle with Elisa isn't over--not by a long shot--but a good afternoon, followed by a decent night's sleep has made a world of difference. Nacho had to fly back today to work over the weekend, but Stace and the kids are coming out to stay with us for a few days. And somehow I have a feeling that we are going to make the most of our days and nights along the shore. The tides are a reminder of the daily highs and lows we all go through, and I'm trying my best to appreciate them both.

Beach Week '12

It's been a while since we've had a proper NC Beach Week in Emerald Isle since last summer I was having a baby and the year before that we were run out because of a hurricane.  Three years full of trips to other shores, but I was missing our oceanfront visits here. It was time to give it another go.  My parents got Aunt Barbara and our old family friend Leroy on board to join us, and Stace and the kids are back East now which made this feel like the right time.  Yes, on paper 2012 should have been my year to enjoy the beach. Except so far it's not. I think we're still a year--or two *gulp*--away from me being able to really relax. There's still way too much neediness, sleep maintenance, crazy tantrums and wiping sand off of food to enjoy my beer on the beach and swim in the surf. Oh, and the sharks. Did I mention we were swimming in shark-infested waters yesterday? Yeah, so far, I'm surviving this trip and it's nice to be with family if for no other reason than to hang out and eat. But the beach part of things isn't as carefree as I would like. If Elisa is ready for the beach at 9 a.m., Carolina is just heading off to nap. When Carolina is up and fed and ready to go to the beach with me, you guessed it--Elisa is ready to come up and nap. It's a neverending cycle of do this/do that for everyone else when all I really want is to be selfish and lay on the beach with a good magazine.  Maybe trips away from the kids aren't a good idea anymore since instead of refueling me for another round, it's just made me crave my own downtime all the more. 

It doesn't help that I'm in the middle of a vicious downturn with Elisa.  I'm just running on empty with that kid.  She seems constantly sleep-deprived from all the early morning wakings with Carolina, refuses to go back to bed and then makes us all pay for it throughout the day.  She gets way too sassy and defiant too many times a day.  She gets upset and cries for every little thing and then all my energy is spent trying to deal with her mood swings instead of the business at hand. And instead of finding some patience to deal with it to help us both move on, I just want to scream and run away.  It's not pretty.  I normally have days like this that come and go, but this particular cycle seems to be stuck on rinse and repeat.  I just need a glimmer of hope or a sign that it will end soon.  I keep thinking that I've been putting up with screaming and crying and general defiance from Elisa for 4 years now and I deserve better than that. What is wrong with her that she cannot control herself or communicate any better than she does?  I've seen her do it and it's wonderful.  Why can't the outbursts and the bad days be fewer and further between? And yes, I know she's only 4. But fuck. It's just too much some days.  Which leaves me to wonder if it's me that's failing her? I don't know. I've been hoping that once Carolina's nap schedule whittles down to one a day, we might consider keeping Elisa in school til 3 p.m.  Maybe that would be best for both of us. Because this vacation away from our humdrum routine of apartment/school/park time is giving me time to reflect on what I would like our life to look like when we get home. Hopefully we can break through this and enjoy the days that are left here.  And if not, there's always 2013. 

Warp speed

It feels like since we returned from Spain earlier this month everything with Carolina has been happening at warp speed. First, she started toddling around, then outright walking. She began climbing up on the beds and couch, and now she can easily pivot herself around and get down on her own too. She is babbling and communicating with such fervor that there are times I'm sure she thinks she is actually talking. It's funny and sweet and frustrating (for her) all at the same time. The patient, quiet baby girl is swiftly giving way to the opinionated, in-your-face toddler that wants what she wants when she wants it. Considering how many months I've had to anticipate this change, it still surprises me. I knew something was coming, but even so, the newness of Carolina's physical abilities and independence is shocking. She is so quickly catching up to her big sister, I almost expect to hear them chatting away one afternoon. I know people say that younger siblings are quick to imitate and do things faster, but this is hard to believe until you see it. And now I am.  Most mornings I find her on the couch slumped next to her sister holding her own bottle chugging happily away. It's a wonderful sight and yet, I have to acknowledge that she is no longer a baby. She is officially in toddlerdom and even her sleep routines are becoming redefined.  She still naps twice a day, but she doesn't drink the same amounts of milk as before.  And when she is done drinking, she just rolls over and shoos me away. No more paci, no more closing eyes while she drinks. She is a big kid now. And I'm trying hard to keep up.

Here's a little peek into Carolina's world...13 months and growing.

Taking a break

Last month towards the end of our time in Spain, Nacho and I took a little trip within a trip and headed south to the coastline of Almeria.  It was a perfect spot for two beach lovers who wanted something rocky and remote without all the noise of a typical beach town.  We've picked a new place each of the three summers we've done this, and each time we leave the kid(s) with his mother and aunts, uncle and sister who are all staying in one house outside Madrid. Knowing that his brother's family is also nearby makes us feel better too, since you can never have too many helping hands. It wasn't easy to take off the first year we tried this, mostly because Elisa wasn't exactly easy to read, but each time it's gotten better.  The nerves have lessened and my enjoyment of the trip has grown exponentially.  This year was by far the best and it made me so appreciative of the opportunity to do this--to go away and be the couple that we were for so many years before all hell broke loose. Even this year with Carolina being so little, I found it wasn't at all like leaving Elisa that first summer.  Now we have spent more time with Nacho's family letting them see us as parents, and therefore they understand the girls and their routines better.  Elisa knows so much more Spanish and is really trying to communicate in it which also made it easier to give her that space to try.  We came back to a girl who was using phrases and expressions we'd only hoped to hear from her.  It was awesome.

I know we don't get these kinds of getaways the rest of the year because we don't have family nearby.  There is a lot to be said for living in a city we love with amazing friends just blocks away. But at the end of the day, there is also a lot of pressure to cope on your own and to be mom and dad 24/7.  Taking 4 days off for the whole year might not seem like much, but it really was heaven. The fact that our trip coincided with our 9 year wedding anniversary made it all the more special.  Nacho and I aren't big romantics, but I think even we were impressed with the hotel and our beach destinations. It felt very indulgent to be doing whatever we pleased, and it was.  There were lazy mornings spent lounging poolside eating an array of wonderful breakfast foods, followed by days of hiking and exploring pristine beaches, capped off with evenings in a whitewashed village enjoying our food and conversation as if we were dating again.  I joked that it was so peaceful to have no one scream at me or cry in my presence all day--something I still find shocking about parenthood.  Ugh, the noise. I just want some time to relax, some quiet.  And I got it.  It's rare to have the time to listen to each other now and let our thoughts wonder and talk of the future. But there we were planning ahead for when we will take these trips as a family and share our passion for traveling with the girls.  Because even though we loved our time away, our time to be just Ann and Nacho, we are still mom and dad to some pretty terrific kids. And we want to show them the world.  But this year was just for us. And that's okay too.

Still digging out...

First, before I start to moan on and on about how hard it is to live a life of endless vacations, here are a few more highlights of our time in Spain. Ahhhhh...the life we all need to have at least 3 weeks a year.

Now for the moaning.  I'm not sure why, but this summer's end kind of slammed me in the face. Maybe it was the disastrous re-entry to East Coast Time Zone (my new post-flight motto: NEVER let them nap) or the fact that I'm just not as young and able as I once was (no laughter, please). But if the grueling 8 hour amuse-a-cranky-toddler trip itself didn't kill me, the first week home almost did. It was, in a word, rough. I couldn't get Carolina back on track since her horrible first night's 3 p.m. bedtime. Why on earth I thought that it would be okay for all of us to nap at 3 p.m. and not just push through a few more hours awake, I'll never know. Actually, part of the blame goes to our earlier than usual arrival time. We made it back Stateside around 12:30 p.m. instead of 2ish. And that made a huge difference in the rest of the day. We were up earlier to get to the airport, and by the time we'd made it to NYC, everyone was well beyond exhausted. There wasn't the usual rebound of seeing new toys and just relaxing a bit. We crashed. Hard. By the time I woke up in a haze at 7:30 p.m., I knew things were awry. Carolina could not be roused, and Elisa was a beast that did not care if Dora was on. She kept falling back asleep on the couch despite the blare of TV, lights and dinner under her nose.  By the time I got her up and back to bed around 10 p.m., I knew my night was just starting. I hit the pillow around 11 p.m. and just like clockwork, Carolina was up for the day at 1:20 a.m. Oh yes. It was a nightmare. But little by little we got that moved forward and by the time I bolted from the city again on Friday, Nacho wasn't completely screwed. The girls have both been waking early (between 5-6 a.m.) but luckily they are sleeping better overall.  So that's the foundation for my total mental exhaustion and this nasty sinus infection I seem to have developed over the weekend is just the icing on the cake. I just have no ambition to do anything or clean up this mess, or even blog or bake. It's awful.  But soon I will be back to my old self and then it will be time to hit the beach in NC. Yes, we have more vacation to conquer. Thankfully, this one is in the same time zone. More soon. 

New year, new school

So in the midst of returning from Spain and getting myself ready to leave again for a wedding this past weekend, Elisa started Pre-K at a new school. And she loves it. And I love that she took the change in stride. Because with that girl, you just never know. But sometimes she surprises me and this was one of them. I didn't hesitate to move her to another school because the school she attended last year just wasn't heading in the same direction as I was.  I wanted her to see a more traditional school setting with the Pre-K curriculum and I found it at Little Friends School here in Sunnyside. But as summer vacation wound down and we approached the new school year, I began to get nervous about telling her. I wanted to wait until school was imminent so she would be able to have a look around and meet some kids. Fortunately, they had a couple of days to ease into things and Elisa didn't seem to mind that she wasn't going back to her old school. She only asked once about a friend of hers and I just explained that he was staying at the old school.  Where I expected to find resistance and irritation, there was none. It was so much easier than I had ever hoped. And that was that. We are well into our first full week and she loves her teachers (there are two--one for each classroom, UPK and regular Pre-K) and has asked me several times if she can have her new friends over to our house for a tea party. I've yet to meet all these new faces, but I'm sure in time we will do just that. But for now, there is nothing better than seeing her excitement every morning as she heads out the door to her "Mickey School" (because the former Director had lots of Mickey Mouse mementos in her office).  I really think this fit is better for Elisa, and for me, and that makes starting new feel fresh and right.  Hopefully this continues and leaves me with lots of time to debate the next step in her school trajectory: Kindergarten. With so many options and plenty of limitations here in NYC, my thoughts about it are already a jumbled mess. But in time, everything works out. So here's to another year of school and enough time to see where this girl is headed next.