Well, shit. I said I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to be one of those mothers, and then this happened. My firstborn put on a uniform and went to Kindergarten this morning and...cue the tears. I felt like such a lame cliche. I was seeing the years flash before my eyes and this little girl who made me a mom was becoming a student. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I was overcome with emotion for her or for me. We are both facing a major lifestyle change in the coming months and sometimes I feel giddy with excitement thinking about it and sometimes I mourn the life I've had for the past 5 years. It's a lot to process, and I know I'm just beginning. Today went exceptionally well considering I didn't break into a full-fledged sobfest and Elisa held it together while I hugged and kissed her and then scooted out of the classroom. There were so many parents still milling around that I wasn't sure they were ever going to leave, but I knew I couldn't be the last. Better to get it over with fast and be on my way. Kind of like how I hate saying goodbyes at an airport--just drop me at the curb and let the journey begin!
(I think this is about where I lost it. Birdie and Elisa have been hanging out for over 4 years now. Seeing their hands entwined on their first big day in school was, well, a bit too much for this sappy mom. I was so happy to see they have each other.)
And speaking of journeys, what a wild one we have been on with the whole Kindergarten selection process. It's probably true in most big cities that there are lots of downsides to living in a high density population where schools and resources aren't the same as in the burbs. Everyone wants the best for their child, but it's difficult to know what that is exactly. Throughout this past 8 months of registrations and assessments, lotteries and notifications, I have struggled to stay true to my own goals for Elisa's education. But today I saw that all that after all the hoopla, what really matters is that she is in a classroom with her peers. Nothing more, nothing less. It was all much simpler than I made it. Of course, it allayed so many fears for us both that there were some familiar faces amongst the group. Seeing the instant rapport she had with Birdie and Skylar yesterday at the Open House was the kind of thing that makes it easier to picture them there together in the classroom without feeling like she's alone in a sea of terrified kids.
There were so many muted faces today as the kids all clung to their parents, and I watched Elisa looking around for signs that things would be okay. Surprisingly, she didn't get too emotional when I told her I was going to leave. Sometimes I take it for granted that she knows what will happen next, but today I made it a point of telling her a few times that we would stay for a few minutes and then go home. She knew that there was no lunch at school today so maybe that made it easier too, since she'd be home in time to eat and nap like normal. Who knows, but I have to say I was really impressed with her courage. Which is not to say that she didn't look miserable. She was so sweetly pathetic telling me she was going to miss me and that she was "kind of scared" that I almost lost it right then and there. But I didn't. Somehow I found a way to suppress my own well of emotion long enough to get the heck out of there. And then like a cloud passing over, I felt better. Hearing that she comforted her friends when they got upset was great. I think deep down Elisa is a nurturer and she shows that when it really matters. This year is just beginning and I know it will show me new insights into Elisa's personality and her take on the world. I can't wait to see where she's going, as I hold on ever tighter to the memories of that little baby girl I brought home five years ago.
There were so many muted faces today as the kids all clung to their parents, and I watched Elisa looking around for signs that things would be okay. Surprisingly, she didn't get too emotional when I told her I was going to leave. Sometimes I take it for granted that she knows what will happen next, but today I made it a point of telling her a few times that we would stay for a few minutes and then go home. She knew that there was no lunch at school today so maybe that made it easier too, since she'd be home in time to eat and nap like normal. Who knows, but I have to say I was really impressed with her courage. Which is not to say that she didn't look miserable. She was so sweetly pathetic telling me she was going to miss me and that she was "kind of scared" that I almost lost it right then and there. But I didn't. Somehow I found a way to suppress my own well of emotion long enough to get the heck out of there. And then like a cloud passing over, I felt better. Hearing that she comforted her friends when they got upset was great. I think deep down Elisa is a nurturer and she shows that when it really matters. This year is just beginning and I know it will show me new insights into Elisa's personality and her take on the world. I can't wait to see where she's going, as I hold on ever tighter to the memories of that little baby girl I brought home five years ago.
4 comments:
OK......now Mom & I are both teared-up!
I'm telling ya, this school stuff puts everyone through the ringer... THE RINGER. Glad to hear the first day went well... I think about three weeks from now, we'll all go through another round of drama because the kids will realize they have to do this EVERY DAY. It's exhausting. I don't blame them for protesting...
So bittersweet + beautiful, Ann! Reminds me of Gretchen Rubin -- hey! she has two little girls abt the same age as E and C!! -- who has come up w/ such beautiful + interesting ways to capture (esp those milestone moments) her children's childhoods as they grow up so quickly... She has special pretty boxes for those special toys + art + stuff that remind her of certain times, + has an eye out for things she thinks her daughters will treasure when they're grownups (!!). Her conclusions abt memory + happiness are so cool too: like, there are three sort of phases of happiness that can be maximized (suck out all the happiness as possible!!) with a little prep, organizing, but mostly awareness, i think -- I'm not conveying this accurately prob, or half as well as she does in her bk, but there's (1)anticipation -- the excitement of the looking-forward (that a lot of us grownups forget abt, or disregard, cuz theyre just consumed w/ the stress of the prep--like a birthday party-- + also busy just w/the daily tasks/challenges of life) and the creative delegation of prep tasks (including ppl and acknowledging their importance in your family's life, and their special talents maybe, inviting ppl to also commemorate the "little things" that are actually so meaningful, esp to your children, and really share more personally in the three-part experience -- so they can reap happiness with you w/their unique contribution), then there's (2) the actual event, the fulfillment of the prep + planning, relaxing + truly being in the present moment (sorry) w/your kids + family/friends, and finally, (3), the happiness of remembering, that treasure of memory that has a lasting existence for everyone involved -- + richly supplemented (i know you got this down, ann) by photos, the written (or drawn, for the pre-literate) word, talking...in essence -- the re-experiencing of it in your mind (and heart -- am i too cheezy?) is -- to your brain anyway - a very real re-living of it. A dose of happiness whenever you want to recall it. Talk about conscious, + talk about value-add (Sorry again! trite blackballed business junk-term, but seemed the concisest!).
I don't know why I'm even telling u all this -- you already know, + you already EXCEL at this, even pre-mom. I remember clearly how you were always the only person who wld help me prep for a party AND stay afterwards for the unglamorous clean-up, and CHEERFULLY, I must add! You also always seem to have this approach to life that I've always coveted + tried to emulate (i've tried! But its difficult to do/be Ann-like when you arent Ann!!!) -- like the happiness + unique joys of everyday life. Youre fearless, too! which helps a lot!! Omg, ive written too much as usual, my apologies. One more thing tho-- Gretchen Rubin's first step to exploring this happiness thing: BLOGGING! So, you know, when's your happiness book coming out?! ��Lisa
Lisa! You definitely get the award for LONGEST comment ever (and quite possibly BEST too!)--thank you so much for taking the time. Your perspective really touched me and I appreciate the comparison to someone who sounds pretty damn cool. I have heard Ms. Rubin's name a few places and need to check out her book. Sounds like it might offer some good insights even if I'm already doing some of the things. And you know, I think parenthood really affirms some of the traits we already have and brings out the ones we need to work on. I am NOT the most organized person and at times that has been my biggest challenge as a mom--to not wait til the very last minute to plan and execute important things. But I will say, I do love the anticipation of special events and the remembering. The photo addiction is part of that and I'm pretty sure I've passed that down to Elisa because she is obsessed with looking at photos too!
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