My girls

To be honest, Spring Break was a bit of a roller coaster for me. There were a lot of nerves going into Nacho's job interview in Atlanta mixed with questions about logistics and travel that I wasn't sure about. Add in a couple of kids who have their own agendas and then sudden lack of schedule away from home, and well, you can imagine that it didn't all go down so smoothly.  Which isn't to say that these pictures lie. They were absolutely radiant in their new Easter dresses which Grandma lovingly bought and had washed up and ready for them. Elisa and Carolina both know when to turn it on, and they gave me a good five minutes of uninterrupted photo taking, even if it did include hair bands-turned-bracelet accessorizing, a pink moto jacket four sizes too small, a stuffed animal acquired on a Target shopping trip, and some newly purchased sneakers that they just don't want to take off. They were great, the photos are beautiful, and I even managed to sneak in one that my sister so kindly offered to take. It felt like the birth of spring and I was loving all the sunshine and positivity.

But there were still plenty of moments that I wanted to delete from the week. The screaming/fighting/hitting each other usually over Elisa's taunts and Carolina's inability to control her temper. There was way too much sugar and candy which mixed with fatigue to make for a few powder keg moments. I haven't had a bedtime meltdown like the one I experienced at Stacey's house when Mia's boyfriend came over for dinner in a long, long time. Maybe never. I know the girls were both really wound up with all kinds of nervous, giggly energy seeing the young couple, but what happened after I told them it was time for bed was absolute mayhem.  It was truly explosive and it wore me down. As did Elisa's rant over not wanting to eat dinner or go to bed at mom and dad's.  She lost her shit and in the process ruined a whole evening for herself and us.  It was too much, and it simultaneously saddened and angered me.  Because like I told mom, she is so close to overcoming these episodes and yet, she cannot stop herself sometimes. And Carolina is still very much a three year old trying out lots of emotions, even if she demands that you say she's three and a half. She is testing boundaries all the time and wants more and more. Nothing is ever enough, and yet, she's much quicker to calm down and has a way of melting into acceptance that I can at least tolerate. With Elisa, I'm still struggling. So why all the negativity on such a pretty post? I don't know except to say it's where we're at lately. I want to feel like maybe the rush outdoors these past few days has given us all the breather we've been waiting for, and maybe there's hope that this summer will allow for some happier times. It's hard to see how well they get along at times (like playing in their room after school for HOURS today) and then watch them annoy each other to death over completely stupid things. But then again, that's sisterhood I suppose. And if there's anything I've learned it's that those bonds run deep in both directions. So love and anger might not be so disconnected. It's just time for me to get a bit of distance so I can survive the next decade or so. I have no doubt, they will team up against me soon enough. Those hugs already show me they know how.

Photo A Day

At the beginning of the month I started a photo-a-day challenge on my photo blog to see how much I could push myself to keep my camera handy and also to experiment a bit with my editing.  So far, I've been somewhat limited by the cold snowy weather and lingering head cold to indoors and, truthfully, late night shooting. So the photos aren't a real revelation. But they are little glimpses of our life and for that I'm happy to have them. Making sure I have my "good" camera at my disposal more often is something I really need to practice in these quieter times--when we're just us at home being silly or serious. It reminds me of the photo blog I did with Maggie a few years ago and how much I enjoyed looking back at that year in photos. All the tiny moments added up to something really spectacular. And so, just for this month, I'm hoping to see the same results. Time will tell. 

Birthdays in the park

Before September ends, I have to take note of one way that this summer was different from many others. I wasn't lugging a camera around shooting birthday parties all the time. No, in fact, I put my camera away a great deal this birthday season and it felt good to be a guest sometimes. For one, it makes it way easier to hold a beer.  Oh, and tend to my own kids too (as if that was really necessary).  And sometimes I was asked to take photos for a fee which was especially nice and fun for me. Seeing these familiar faces year in and out, I know them well and love jumping into the middle of their soccer game or sitting on the track with them while they make conversation. Last year around this time I was debating whether or not I should go public with my photography business and I was bolstered by a lot of the support I had from neighbors. But I also wondered how turning my passion into a for-profit job would impact my desire to do it. And the truth is, I'm only seeing now some of those effects. I have tons of personal photos I've barely edited and posted. I practically stopped loading albums to Facebook because it just seemed so time consuming--waiting days and weeks to edit and then post kind of made me feel I'd missed the point. I wanted every photo to be great, and since I had to take time to work with each one, I started to rely more and more on my phone camera as a way to bypass this.  But really, I think photography has gained more meaning for me, and I am still wrangling with how to express that. 

I have never felt more confident in my storytelling which is something I really hope I can continue to work on for families. I want every session to have that beginning, middle and end. Every party should show the atmosphere, the way the kids played and how the family rejoiced in their celebration. Getting to capture all that for Paul's birthday party recently was a great way to wrap up my first year in business. That Sarah trusted me to get it right was a wonderful feeling, and I could tell in her relaxed pose and smile that the family portrait would become one she'd cherish. And I was right. This is why I love what I do. And being able to work with friends and their kids is just such a good time. I really don't know where this will all take me, or when I might decide that photography is still more hobby than work. But for now, bringing the camera out when it matters to others as much as it matters to me is a nice place to be. Finding that my skills have value was long overdue. And now I'm there. Elisa has even mentioned a few times that she wants to be like me when she grows up. She wants to be a photographer. Oh, child. Don't you know, flattery will get you everywhere. 

Faded photographs

So far, this has been the summer of lost teeth, holding hands, swimming under the water, hugs for abuela, being fabulous (and fierce when necessary), of sisterly love and cousin crushes. My little girls are really growing up, and yet some days it feels like they can't get bigger fast enough. I'm so over the inexplicable crying, the tantrums and constant nagging to eat, stop snacking, no more carrying your stuff for you.  It's getting better--even easier at times--but I still hope for more. This summer has delivered more nap-free days than all six years of parenthood combined probably, and it's been a revelation. We can, and have, made it through days of activities and dare I say, fun, without paying for it with restless nights.  Yet, I wish there was more consistency. I wish I wasn't constantly managing moods and having to console egos. Sisters can be so loving and so vicious to each other in the same turn. "Stop laughing at me!" "She hit me!" I hear it from both of them all the time. And then I turn around and they are mid-hug, holding hands as they walk through the park. I really want to meet these girls as young women and see how they turned out.  

Yes, I think the summer of 2014 is shaping up to be a great one.  I can already tell these are the photos I will think about when they are much older. It's as if they have come pre-faded and tinged with nostalgia for a time and place that has barely passed. How can that be? How can I find myself already longing for what just happened?  I suppose I've always had a bit of that in me. Maybe it's why I love photos so much in the first place.  I want to capture and hold these thoughts and feelings forever.  And if I'm successful, if I really can see and taste and smell the past in a snapshot, I have earned a gift that few can claim. I have given myself the gift of time. Little seconds here and there frozen in images that add up over the course of a life. And these two lives, Elisa and Carolina's, that I love so much are so beautifully remembered. It takes a good deal of bribing to get them to stop for a moment and smile at times, and yet some of my favorite photos happen when they're not stopping at all.  I hope they will come to enjoy these photos as much as I enjoyed taking them. And if I'm right, in time, they will taking their own. 

My little dancer

Just before Elisa's dance recital, I decided to take some nice photos of her in her costume. We'd promised not to wear it constantly before the big day, and in fact, this was the first time she'd put it on at home since receiving it a few weeks before. And still, I had to convince her it was okay. But once on, she really got into the spirit of the photos and was striking poses left and right. I couldn't get her to do much of the dance for me, but she had no trouble voguing her way through the session. It also helped that our friend Ella had just been over to do some ballet portraits with me and Elisa had watched her with stealthy admiration. Afterwards, I told Elisa I was very impressed with her poise. She really knows how to shine when she wants to. 

And that seems to be the key. Like every kid her age, stubborness is a requirement. If they aren't in the mood, don't even bother. But when Elisa commits to something, she goes all the way. And her eyes sparkle. She has the charisma I wish I had more of as a kid. It's kind of contagious. During the recital itself, she was a mix of nervous anticipation and calm aloofness. I couldn't get her to listen to me about hitting the bathroom before the big show and she wandered the hall alone as if she owned the place. And then I remembered how I felt all decked out and pacing the halls of the Music Hall in Kansas City before my yearly recitals. It was a way for me to discover myself and feel like I was in a big time show. I remember looking at all the Art Deco architectural frills and feeling like I belonged in another time. There was so much glamour all around me. I absolutely loved it. This theatre wasn't nearly as beautiful, but it was perfect for Elisa's first performance--just grand enough and not overwhelming. I was impressed with how well she took to the stage. The girl can move. Now the only question remaining is whether or not she'll continue with tap or branch out into ballet and jazz. She hasn't decided yet, but I'm hopeful we'll be back at it again come September. I think this kid can go far...as far as she wants. 

Location scouting

What a gray, humid week it's been. Today was a repeat of the kind of heavy, cool dampness that descended on us Tuesday morning. Only that day I had the energy to still get up and try to beat back the oppressive air with a tour of Central Park. Nacho had been out for an early morning bike ride to Manhattan and back and declared it was a great, quiet day in the park. Since I also have a few photo shoots there coming up, I thought it would be a good idea to have a little walk through of the areas I'm interested in shooting. Never hurts to plan ahead. Even if the photos themselves are unplanned. Spontaneity is the key to good photography, I believe. But as I've been finding out, leading clients around aimlessly in the hopes of finding good seating and back drops takes a little more than luck. It takes good eyes and being quick to make adjustments to how people pose and stand. So with that in mind, we went on a little family adventure and I kept my cell phone handy to frame things and see what worked. It was a beautifully lush day in the park and there were no weekend crowds to beat back. Absolute heaven...

We climbed Belvedere Castle where Carolina promptly asked to see the princess. Of course, she must  have been sleeping. At least, I'm pretty sure that was the most satisfying explanation. It helped that on our way to the top of the tower, there was one more level sealed off with a ladder going nowhere. I pointed this out to Carolina and she bought the story completely. The princess does not want to be disturbed. And who could blame her? Such a damp and listless day. Except for the amazing blooms we inhaled at Shakespeare Garden, the colors were a muddle of greens and browns with few bright spots. But oh, those blooms. I couldn't stop myself from smelling them again and again. It was like being in a perfumeria. I can hardly believe it's taken me so long to check out that area of the park. You would think in 9 years of living here, I would have been there countless times, but honestly that day might have been my first. And it definitely left an impression. So yes, I'll be back. And if the weather cooperates as soon as the weekend. Time to shoot!