Goodbye 2009!

If there is ever a time to take stock of your life and what you are hoping to change or improve in it, I feel like the end of the year is the time to do that. Having said that though, I'm not really one for making resolutions. At least not the kind I discuss much or really commit to paper. A year ago, I was just hoping for more sleep, maybe some guidance on how to deal with the new stages of babyhood that seemed to make every day a struggle. And I was preparing to go back to work after my maternity leave. What a difference 365 days makes.

Now I'm sleeping plenty, much more comfortable with the daily parenting grind, and yes, out of work for the first time since I graduated college. I don't have any idea what's next and I'm kind of excited about that. Something is coming and whether it's more travel, a new professional calling, or just getting to explore home more with the people I love, it's nice to feel I have the support to be here now without worrying about what's going to happen next. All in all, it's not a bad place to be. In fact, as Nacho and I have been discussing, it's a kind of calm time in our life together right now. I think we both feel we've survived the tsunami of having a child and are getting to that place where we actually find her really interesting and fun. She is such a funny kid.

I find myself telling her constantly how much I love her. She is so kissable and squeezable, and her little one-track mind reminds me of someone else I love very much. Whether it's letting her run in the gravel path at the park or watch a video for the 10th time today, I find such joy in her joy. How can you deny her when to appease that little being brings such deep laughter, and smiles and satisfaction? Yes, I am in trouble and I know it. This parenting stuff is strewn with mines and finding out how to get around them with as little bloodshed as possible is the next frontier (did I mention she fell face first into the gravel?).

I feel like my biggest objectives for 2009 were to find a 2 bedroom apartment, make it to Spain with Elisa and learn how to divide my time between work and family without losing myself in the process. I achieved the first two with much effort but amazing payoffs. We love our new home and the space it affords each of us to be together and apart all at the same time. It's in the neighborhood we love and the fact that Elisa's room is big enough for another baby is encouragement to expand our brood when the time is right. I have some more home improvement projects to achieve this year and am looking forward to really making it my own. Visiting Spain with Elisa was a trip like no other and I remember thinking so many times during our stay that this would only be the first trip she'd make and at just one year old. I couldn't (and still can't) wait for another! We miss our family there so much and it doesn't feel right that they aren't able to see this little girl grow and change as much as we do. Hopefully in 2010 we will make up for some lost time.

I guess the third goal wasn't so much about finding a balance as it was about accepting that things change. My life is not the same as it was before Elisa came along. And now I can truly say it's actually better (and mean it). Dividing my time and my mental space between work and home was a challenge and ultimately, I'm not sure if I lost or if I was rescued (albeit with some pretty sharp knives). I certainly know I didn't figure it all out or find the perfect way to be a part-time mother. I don't think that exists. In 2010, I'm hoping to treat myself a little better, pursue some hobbies I've put off for too long, and remember to dance as much as Elisa does. That girl can move.

Our latest addiction

More and more lately, Elisa is getting her point across in a variety of creative (and mostly non-verbal) ways. Take for example this afternoon's latest fad--watching a video from her favorite TV show Yo Gabba Gabba. This segment of the show features a famous rapper, Biz Markie, teaching kids some basic "beats." His huffing and puffing is enough to make anyone give it a try. Since we've been watching this on Nacho's iTouch occasionally while we lay around in the morning, Elisa has really developed a flair for beat boxing. She loves to puff air while bobbing her head around whether she's watching the video or just requesting it again and again. More importantly, there is a kid at the end of each segment that introduces him/her-self and usually adds, "and I like to dance." In this clip, it's the wildly flailing Oskar whom Elisa A-D-O-R-E-S. All you need as proof is the end of this video clip. The girl goes nuts. Seriously nuts.

Sunday Brunch-day

Having company for a leisurely visit is one of my favorite things about hosting people in NYC. Whenever we have the chance, it's so nice to be able to show friends and family around the city we love and especially the parts of it we have come to know quite well. Today was a welcome break from the cold and rain of the last few days, so we took advantage of all the sunshine and headed into Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood to have brunch at one of my favorite restaurants, Cook Shop. The wait can be a beast, but today wasn't too bad and Elisa tolerated it extraordinarily well. By the time we were seated, we were all primed for good food and it didn't disappoint. The arrogant waiter aside, it was a lovely meal and I think the pastry basket was a definite highlight!We finished the meal and just before getting the check, I spotted a couple of people wandering in that seemed to linger just a bit in the restaurant aisle. Of course, it was a celebrity spotting (our first on Stacey's current visit) and not a bad one at that--Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal and her husband Peter Sarsgaard (with their daughter) and a tag-along group of friends. Oh, yes, I brought them to the cool place for brunch. Score one for Auntie Ann!!
Afterwards, we headed a couple of blocks over to the recently revamped public park called the High Line which snakes through the elevated railroad tracks from the old Meatpacking District industrial area almost to 34th street. The park is only open in one small section so far, but it's a great platform to view the west side of the city and beyond and we all enjoyed the afternoon sunshine and chance to stretch our legs after such a big meal. Here are some of the pictures we took of the walk and of Elisa before she completely passed out in the stroller.
Lately, it's been easier to mark her changes and growth into toddlerhood through the observations of our family and friends. She is a little spitfire and really shines with enthusiasm when the world is going her way. Which on a day like today was so much fun to watch. She bounced around the house after breakfast, flirted with people on the train and ate happily from her high chair at brunch. She didn't even have a hissy fit when we took her shopping for hours afterwards, winding our way through Greenwich village and SoHo. In fact, counting all the hours she spent in her stroller today, I'd say she was MORE than patient with us. So much so, that I had to cut her some slack and order in for tonight's Japanese dinner (from our local T.J.'s Asian Bistro--so good!).
Life is getting to feel so much more peaceful now in the way that every outing isn't a big question mark. We just do it and most of the time it's a good thing or at least without the kind of plan-every-moment-or-risk-a-meltdown that seemed to define her early infancy. Or is it me? Am I the one changing as much as she is? I'd like to think it's all her, but I'm sure that's only part of the equation. I know when she's had her limit and I usually anticipate the food/bottle/blankey needs accurately. And when it all goes off without a hitch, I think, "gee, this kid stuff is pretty doable." And then I see someone like Maggie Gyllenhaal with her adorable daughter sitting at brunch at the same place as us, and I think, "yeah, we're doing alright." We're all just doing the best we can and taking the opportunities to enjoy good company and outings like this in a dynamic city. Living in New York City with a kid is something I'm proud of, and I like seeing others in the same boat. Maybe it's time to ask for a playdate (and she can bring her Uncle Jake)??

...and to all a good night!

Here are a few of our favorites from this holiday week in New York City. Love to all and wishing a very Happy New Year to come.

Merry merry

Merry Christmas Eve! We're back in Queens for a family holiday with ours and Stacey's. It's been a busy month traveling to NC and back but we've been able to visit with some of our favorite people and eat some good food so that's what the holidays are all about. Elisa has recovered from her fever and sleepless nights and life is good. Last night we even ate out at one of my favorite restaurants in Brooklyn (Chip Shop on Atlantic Ave) and took a quick stroll on the promenade in Brooklyn Heights before zooming back on the train home. Elisa survived the long evening and slept til 8 a.m. for a change! Today Nacho came home and will be here til the afternoon of the 26th, so we're ready to sit back and enjoy the next day and a half at home. My very first real Christmas morning at home--as an adult! And I'm eager to show Elisa her stocking and see that big smile when she walks in the living room and finds all the toys laid out for her. It will be a moment worth capturing.

Baby it's cold outside...

On Monday we flew down here to North Carolina for a bit of family time before the holiday. I was a little skeptical about flying that day since Elisa had been running a low-grade fever since the afternoon before, but I figured we would have plenty of hands on deck to help us recuperate. I was partly right. Elisa adores her cousins and all the attention from Aunt Stacey and Uncle Mark, and of course, Grandma and Grandpa. So much so that her playing and eating and dancing around have all been much enhanced since her fever finally broke on Wednesday morning. But the sleep--not so much.

For whatever reason, Elisa has taken a little hiatus from her normally STELLAR sleeping patterns. The naps are poof! over in 40 minutes and the nighttime sleep is like dealing with a screamy newborn again. You just don't know how long before she cries out again. And again. And oh, God, again. This morning I actually found myself laying in bed with a pillow over my head trying to muffle out the crying and see if perhaps she was just testing me at 6 a.m. Maybe she was about to fall back asleep? Why did she stop and then start again every 5 minutes giving me just enough hope that I wouldn't have to get out of bed to comfort her.

Funny that just a week or so ago I was listening to another mom talk about her week of sleepless hell, and I just couldn't fathom it. I think somewhere in my brain there is a space reserved for the dark, sleepless nights we spent with Elisa as a newbie and the longer we go between occurrences, the harder it is to remember what that felt like. But it doesn't take long for it to come bouncing back. Which of course, makes me feel like I am NEVER going to be ready for another baby. How, how, how do people do this? I read with earnest enthusiasm about my friends having second (and third) kids and I just wonder what in the world that kind of exhaustion feels like. I am barely keeping up with one kid after a minor cold. But I guess that's the beauty of life, that we never really know what we're getting ourselves into until it's too late. Luckily, right now, I am just pondering all of this and enjoying the time I have to take a sleepless night (or five) every once in a great while and remember that "normal" life will resume. I just have to be patient.

The 16 month mark

This week I went back through the blog and read every single post. Some I poured over a couple of times before moving on. It's amazing to me that in just over a year, I have forgotten so much of what life was like those first few months. Is it the protective haze of sleep deprivation that makes my (now) well-rested mind so foggy? I don't know. But I do know that this blog has kept a record of the crazy night feedings, weigh-ins and nap schedules and now the playtimes and city visits with a precision I've come to love. Hearing her 16-month stats at the doctor's office this week, I was slightly shocked to think she weighs 26 lbs. already and measures an incredible 34 1/4 inches tall! Where did my baby go? What I realized re-reading the blog is that even just an entry or two a week can mark noticeable progress which is gratifying when it feels like every day is a repeat performance of the same day.

I guess that's how life is different outside of the office. When one day becomes another, and the groceries are bought, dinner cooked and cleaned up, child fed, bathed and changed, it's easy to forget that life is moving along and tomorrow is a new day. I'm still adjusting to life without checklists and cases opened and closed, but I'm finding the mental space I dedicated to all of that was really bogging me down. I feel much lighter and freer and even calmer moving throughout the day and letting myself ruminate on all of these changes. In many ways, everything seems possible right now. I always like the end of year, beginning of year time to ponder life and the direction it's taken, but this year feels especially meaningful as I find myself without a clear path forward. What I hope to do is travel more, visit with friends and family more and find a way to take better care of myself. My mother's day spa certificate hasn't been used yet, for crying out loud! And whether it's pigeon watching out our living room windows or just reading that same book ONE MORE TIME, I promise to show Elisa how much fun we can have exploring our home and city together. She deserves that right now and so do I.

Christmas Tree - Take Two

For those of you who get my Facebook updates, you may have already seen Elisa's reaction to the Christmas tree we put up this year. It was like she finally noticed it the morning after our tree trimming and boy was she excited. Lots of "oooooing" and general guffawing over the shiny, pretty ornaments and tinsel. She wasn't too keen on actually touching the tree since that seemed to be a little too prickly. So far, she's left it alone mostly with a few ornaments scattered throughout the apartment. Here she is having a go at the water. Enjoy!

The Christmas Spirit

This weekend was a great way to start December. Nacho was home both days and we got to have a bit of family time after a trying week. On Saturday we braved the cold rainy weather to get out and snag a Christmas tree a few blocks away. It's not like the Christmas tree farm adventures of my youth, but buying a tree for $29.99 at the local grocery store and dragging it home 6 blocks isn't too bad for a city kid. At least there was no tying it onto the car and hoping it stayed put. This year, I think Nacho just decided it was easier to participate than fight my decorating commandments. Here he is with his favorite ornament. Elisa and I sit and read in front of the tree.
A close-up of my favorite ornament--I smile every time I see this and I don't know why.
On Sunday, I had a holiday brunch with some of the moms (and dads) of our Sunnymoms playgroup. I've mentioned them many times before, but this group has made my transition to motherhood so much more fun and I'm particularly glad to have them in my life as I figure out what staying at home with Elisa is all about. Of course, it was nice to leave Elisa at home for a change and enjoy a meal with the group where we could really chat and talk about all the things (okay, mostly babies) that we deal with daily. So many of them can relate to what I am going through in one way or another, that I am constantly reminded that work is not an identity. It is who we are, not what we do, that makes us interesting and talented. They are amazing like that. Afterwards, Nacho and I took Elisa over to the Sunnyside Gardens Park Holiday Boutique to see Santa. I wasn't sure exactly what Elisa would make of the jolly ol' man, but if the photos below are any indication, I think she'd rather be anywhere else.
We tried again a few minutes later with her friend Juliet (whose mom Kristin Burns took these hilarious photos! If you haven't booked your session with her yet, hurry up!!). But Elisa wasn't having it. I guess this is one for the baby book. Santa must have been pinching her from the looks of it.
Ho ho ho!!

Recipe Roulette

My good friend Maggie came up with a fun idea for us blogger gals. Post a recipe a day and cross-reference them on our blogs to help multiply some basic dinner ideas when we know we are all sick and tired of our usual go-to meals. Brilliant! So here is my take on Shepherd's Pie, a dish I fell in love with living in Ireland. And no, that's not me pictured below as a Top Chef. I actually took a cooking class with Nacho as a part of a holiday party a few years back. I've been wearing that hat ever since.

So, the idea with Recipe Roulette is that the dish be easy to make and easy to modify depending on tastes. I make a lot of standards (frittata, pasta with veggies and sausage, chicken cutlets and grilled asparagus) but the following Shepherd's Pie is a nice alternative when I want a meal that just screams COMFORT FOOD!!!!!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 lbs. ground beef (or turkey or lamb)
• 1 bag frozen mixed veggies (carrots, peas, corn, etc.)
• 2 pouches of instant mashed potatoes--I use the ones that come in a typical side portion for a meal but you can also just use from the box of instant potatoes or god forbid, make enough REAL mashed spuds to cover the top
• 1 packet of Shepherd's Pie seasoning (did I mention there's an Irish grocery store in my neighborhood??) OR 1-2 cubes of beef bouillon or stock depending on how saucy you like it

I start with browning the ground beef until it's no longer pink and then strain off excess liquid/fat. While that's cooking, I briefly boil the frozen veggies in salted water for 2-3 minutes and drain those. Combine the veggies in the skillet with the cooked meat. Mix packet of seasoning with half a pint of water (or follow directions for beef stock) and add to the meat/veg combo. Stir and cook for another 3-5 min.

In a separate bowl, prepare the instant mashed potatoes according to the directions. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Take a casserole dish or baking pan and pour the meat/veg into it. Spread the mashed potatoes on top. Bake for 25-30 minutes (depending on how hungry you are).

EAT!

To modify this recipe, I have added cheddar cheese to the mashed potatoes (yum) and sometimes throw in some garlic and/or onion to the ground beef. It's pretty basic but I find that with a nice comfort meal, the day just ends on a good note.

Hope you all enjoy and for more Recipe Roulette check out Maggie's blog and more links to all the blogging gals who participated.

And so it goes...

I don't have a cute photo to post today because it's not that kind of day. I found out on Monday that I no longer have a job and it's disappointing to say the least. I've thought many times over the past 12 months that I was trudging a difficult path being a wife, mother and worker. And yes, I even thought about what it would be like to quit my job. But I didn't. I liked what I did. And I liked the small office I had called home for over 4 years. 4 Years. The longest I had worked anywhere. Ever. It was a place I felt I knew and yet I found myself a stranger there. Left to clean up and clear out without even a farewell from the boss who had vacationed with me, visited Elisa in the hospital and been a good friend to both Nacho and I. Surreal is the only way to describe it, I guess and yet, part of me wasn't surprised at all.

Since having Elisa, my life had changed radically. Not only had I undergone a physical transformation (mom boobs, anyone?) but I have felt myself pulled emotionally and mentally in many different directions. Directions I didn't know existed before I had a child. Life changed. My priorities changed, and I wasn't the worker bee who could spend 9 or 10 hours a day in the office. When I started back in January, I felt relieved to be out of the house again and to see other people who could talk about something other than poop or boobs or sleeping habits. It was a return to normalcy I thought. Clients, emails, paperwork--it was all part of the old life that made sense when I felt my new life was too confusing. I was glad I found a way to continue to work and give myself that opportunity and give Elisa the chance to know other caretakers. She has had a few and they were all good in their own ways. Our current sitter Vanessa is so lovely and really makes it easy to see Elisa off when I leave home. Luckily, I wasn't gone every day which made this year feel like the best of both worlds. The allure of working part-time, from home even, was a definite perk of this job and I even commented on this blog that I had the best boss in New York City. But that was then.

Today I am a stay at home mom and I don't even know what that means. Does this mean I won't look for work? Does this mean I can afford to stay home? Does this mean I should have another baby sooner? I have lots of questions and very few answers. What I do know is that it wasn't in my control and that just sucks. It sucks to lose a job and a friend at the same time.