The difference

It's been a while since I've made a real post on how we're doing. Like where we're at with the daily grind, parenting stuff--the real meat and potatoes of this blog in its early days. Sleep doesn't dominate the conversation because we are all getting it again after so many years of bumps in the road. No one wakes up at night any more. I can hardly believe it myself most of the time. We are stroller-free now for a good year or so which is kind of amazing when you realize how dependent you were on that one apparatus for so long. Our lives the past couple of years have had more moving parts and thus the blog has become more of a travelogue. It's been my recorder of deeds, both good and bad, but there hasn't been the same amount of ruminating on motherhood and how much things are changing.  And in one respect, I don't miss that philosophical stuff. I have a better sense of myself as a mom and it's not so critical to me to figure it all out right here. I forgive myself a multitude of parenting sins (screaming too much, being inconsistent, lack of follow through, etc.) which I'm not proud of, but neither am I seeking anyone's approval. This is how we roll. And it's pretty good most of the time. So far I'm keeping everyone alive, well fed, and mostly happy. The tantrums and tears still creep in, mostly every day--theirs and mine--but we manage. Life keeps going and I'm looking years ahead instead of weeks. I'm not living for the next big milestone anymore because we're just living. Being a mom is not all I am, and that's another good thing. I'm a wife and a friend and a pretty decent photographer. I'd say I'm not digging as deep here on the blog because I know as soon as I put words to it, the thing changes. So I've managed to live more of this life in my head and let my images speak for me most of the time. 

It's also true that the milestones for 4 and 7 year olds pass faster than I can even remember to write them down. There are the fun things like watching Carolina master writing her own name (and everyone else's in the family) or seeing Elisa's face light up when she talks about making it to a new reading level at school (something that hasn't come easy). There have even been a few times that I have caught myself thinking that this blog has captured it all really well. I love looking backwards and forwards, reliving our lives at different stages.  And then I think yes, but it also glosses over so much. Carolina's temper and moodiness of late haven't gotten much air time. We can mostly talk her back down to the sweet girl we know, but it's tiring after a long day. So many tears.  I haven't written about Elisa's prolonged use of nighttime pull ups which only recently ended. Partly, I didn't want to embarrass her or make a big deal out of something that really wasn't in her control. But I think I also didn't want the judgement. Carolina has't used them for close to a year, so I knew it was more of a physiological issue than a question of maturity. Still, it wasn't something I felt I could share. 

And the same is true for Elisa's emotional upheavals. For a kid that can be so charming and conscientious at school, she often loses all sense of decorum at home causing meltdowns and tears all around. As a parent, there is something especially unnerving about waiting all day to see your child come bounding off the bus and then have her begin screaming and arguing with you within minutes of their arrival. For Elisa that's an average day. It's almost like she saves up all her anxiety and irritation for me personally. And often within mere seconds of greeting her, she has an idea or a plan that we cannot execute (for whatever reason) and it sends her flailing off into the deep end of her emotions. I cannot reel her back. About a month ago, I noticed these episodes were occurring with a brutal frequency and I reached out to her guidance counselor at school. It wasn't that I thought things would change much through talking, but at this point, it couldn't make things much worse. It also set us on a path to finding some other means to understand Elisa better and as part of that tomorrow I will take her for a research study on emotional regulation in kids that I hope gives us some better insight. I'm not expecting anything earth shattering from this day of tests and questionnaires, but I am feeling better about my own part in this puzzle. 

So often I forget that it's okay to reach out for help, to ask questions when you don't have all the answers. I love these girls so much. I just want to understand them better....with less screaming on all our parts.  I'm reminded of that Taylor Swift song "Out of the Woods" that we had on repeat for weeks this winter. Sometimes in parenthood it feels the same way--always waiting to see if you have made it past the breaking point.  "Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet, good." It made me think about the ways the bonds of mother/daughter are so fraught with emotions both good and bad. It's been a long journey these 7 and a half years since I became a mom and I see more clearly my own limitations now. The need to share every detail of my experience has faded. But still I plug on with this blog and with my own way of telling this story. The story of our family.

Summer schedule

I've been hesitant to write too much about our summer schedule until now since it seems like it might actually be sticking around. Since coming back from Spain in early July, we've been taking a pretty laid back approach to bedtime and very lackadaisical attitude towards naps. Experimenting with the no nap agenda in recent years always proved disastrous. We ended up with one (or sometimes two) frantically overtired kids who slept horribly that night as a kind of retribution for all the fun they had that day. It just never made sense. Friends would say, "well, let Elisa skip her nap and she'll really sleep good tonight."  But no, I would think. That's not how it goes in this family. Skipping a nap meant paying for it later. If we managed to enjoy a long day out and about, we would be woken up nearly every hour for most of the night with a screaming, inconsolable child.  As a toddler, Carolina proved to be the same way. I had almost embraced my life as a stay-at-home nap-monitoring mom. They gave me a break for a couple of hours, and then I would be able to take them out late. This didn't always work well during the school year when Elisa would get home from the bus dead tired and Carolina was raring to go post-nap at 5 p.m. But now that summer gave us more flexibility, I was willing to see how it might go. And in Spain we saw that for a few days a week at least, we could let them have a quiet time in the afternoon without actually sleeping. Fast forward a month into summer and I have enforced the nap only a handful of times. It just feels like we can go longer and--wait for it--the night time sleep is actually fine. They are even sleeping longer! Like til 10 a.m. some mornings. I really don't want to gloat about it since I feel like it's such a fluke. But man, waking up between 9-10 a.m. after so many years of 5:30, 6:30, 7 a.m.s....well, it feels awesome. So roll on, summer schedule. We'll take you for as long as you want to stick around. 

Bedtime

I have no idea how we got here. After just a few months sharing a room, these girls are so used to each other and comfortable that most nights, bedtime is the easiest part of the day. I wish I could take credit, that I had some master plan that worked to a T. But in fact, I think it's mostly luck and a true testament to their matching personalities. It's during these little moments that I see their chemistry and the way they are making memories together.  Every night now we get teeth brushed and then head to their room to get beds ready and pjs on. Carolina will sometimes stand in her crib while I rush around preparing the room for bed (blinds down, noise machine on, windows cracked to counteract the heat blasting out of the radiators).  But she gets increasingly vocal standing there looking at Elisa lying in bed and finally I have to pick her up and let her roll around on her sister's bed for a few minutes. There are lots of hugs and body slams. Carolina is such an affectionate child and it's so touching to see her love her sister this way. And Elisa just lights up when she makes contact with her. I usually have to pry them apart after a few minutes because it's time for lights out. And that's when I let Carolina lean in for one last kiss.

Then off to the crib Carolina goes and I give her some milk while we all get used to the dark. Elisa is such a trouper about not talking during this part. I don't know why, but it's rarely been a problem and for that, I am grateful.  I take my cue to leave when Carolina finishes her milk or pulls away and then I turn and leave. And most of the time lately, I don't have to come back in. There's some toddler ranting occasionally and a little whining, but not the kind of are-you-there-mom? crying that we were getting a few months back. And I think that's largely because she knows Elisa is in the room with her. My decision to leave the crib and bed opposite each other and not hide them from one another was a good one.  The bedtime routine is done with little anxiety and no skulking out.  It's actually almost painless. And again, I have no idea how exactly this happened. But I know that all the steps were little ones--tiny adjustments based on temperament and developmental stages--and in the end, we are just where I hoped we'd be by this age. It makes my heart so full so see the rapport these girls have and to know that theirs is a sisterly bond I've never had to explain. They just know. And I know. Because I had that too.

Roomies

 

Last night was the first night these girls shared a room. And they both slept like logs. Thank you, Jesus.  Of course, Carolina woke Elisa up at 5:45 a.m. and no one wanted to go back to sleep. But I suppose that's a small hiccup we will try to overcome with time or finally adjust to. Today it was a little rough because Elisa was so wide eyed and happy to be waking up with her sister until I told her to lay back down. About 20 minutes later she just couldn't take it any more and came out.  Yeah, there are some kinks to work out, but we're on the way.  Hopefully, we can get their bedtimes more in sync, but last night we let Elisa creep in about 40 minutes after her sister fell asleep and all went well. Carolina didn't stir even though I had explained to Elisa not to talk when we went in and she still did.  Aaaaahhhhh, she just doesn't listen.  But luckily I didn't have to beat her.  So that's it. I have officially regained my bedroom and was positively giddy laying in bed last night with the lights on chatting with Nacho just before bed. Such a small thing and yet it's so important to be able to have those quick conversations or rattle off tomorrow's to-do list as you lay there shutting down your brain for the night. It's also a huge step toward recognizing that we are a family with two little girls, not one big girl and a baby. A year ago my mantra was every day was a day forward--a day closer to more independence for them and us. And it still rings true. Turning this corner is part of my checklist of things I've been waiting for since Carolina was born.  Now I can say "done"...and wait for her to walk!

Transition time again

Next week Carolina turns 1. One. How the fuck did that happen? I mean, seriously, the girl is still such a baby at times (can you say unexpected 4 a.m. feeding?) and yet, she's not. She's really becoming a little toddler and it's almost like the changes are speeding up and every day she looks bigger or more sure footed. Don't worry, Grandma, she's not actually walking yet. My mother did ask outright if she'd missed that milestone since I seem to be posting more than phoning these days. But no.  She's close though. I really thought it might be before her birthday, but I bet it won't be much longer. And all of this brings up the changes we are about to embark on regarding moving Carolina into Elisa's room and transitioning her off formula to milk. And maybe, just maybe switching to sippy cups for everything and throwing all the bottles away. Too soon? Well, the room switch can't happen fast enough, but somehow every day I find a reason to delay it. The real kicker is that their bedtimes are just not aligned very well most of the time because Elisa is still napping. And do I really want to push that? Hmmm. Up until now, I've voted no because most days I can pretty well synchronize their naps and then I have almost 2 hours of freetime to myself to clean up, regroup, grab a cup of tea and sit down for a while. Sometimes even nap. It's heavenly. And I know it. But the fact that I still put up with a baby sleeping 4 feet from my head every night is the downside. Even though Carolina is in her crib and sleeps a solid 10-11 hours most nights, her proximity to my bed is still problematic. I hear her. And I'm pretty sure she hears us. Which means that there are lots of little stirrings when we come into the room around 11 p.m.  And god forbid I should have to get up to pee around 4 a.m.  I'm so afraid of the creaks our bed makes that I try to hover over it weightlessly as I move to get up and out, but usually it fails (damn, gravity!).  My nighttime movements almost always prompts a sigh or a thump from Carolina's corner, which may or may not wake her up to the point of needing some intervention.  It's nothing horrible, but man, I live for the day I can rollover or get up to pee in peace.

And of course the move to Elisa's room will also mean a general shifting of her space and hopefully that goes well. I think she's excited about having her sister in her room and will probably do fine with the sleeping part. Elisa has many quirks, but generally, she's a terrific sleeper. She stays in her bed and hasn't had nearly as many night wakings or screaming fits this year as before. So I'm hopeful that she'll learn to ignore Carolina's mumblings and maybe we can all rest easier. We've discussed that sucking her thumb and holding on to her burp rag is going to have to stop soon.  Actually, we keep saying after she turns 4 she'll have to give those up.  But who knows.  I realize that with so many of the changes we've faced as parents, it's been more about our readiness than Elisa's.  Like the switch to the big girl bed and giving up the bottle at age 3, it wasn't so much about her as it was about my willingness to tough it out. And by that time, it wasn't so bad.  So I'm mentally stewing on all of these things once again and trying to prep myself for the next battle. And just like always, I feel like I'm taking longer than I should to do some of this stuff, but somehow it will work out and I'll forget that I ever debated so much. That's just my nature, I guess. I like dissecting and working things out in my head well before I have to take action and then when the dust settles I feel great. It's such a clearing out of the cobwebs in my brain.  So off we go.  I know that the next month will be busy with the birthdays and our trip to Spain.  I'm just hoping that somewhere in there we teach these girls to cohabitate and then the slow process of buying back some "me" time (reading in bed! being able to hang out in my room whenever I want!) will continue. I have no doubt this next year is going to be even better than the last one. But first, I have to get crackin'.