Here and Now

Ups and downs

Summer update: things are going about as well and as terrible as I predicted with two girls out of school full time. It's awesome to have no schedule, to sleep a little later, to make the park an all day adventure and still find some time for some real fun occasionally. But it's also true that everyone is running a bit on empty with all this activity. Naps haven't been happening for anyone and at times that really shows. At Carolina's age, Elisa was still sleeping 2-3 hours a day every afternoon, but we seem to have streamlined that from our current existence. Sometimes I love that freedom from nap duty, and sometimes I want to smack myself in the forehead repeatedly. It's also the case that Nacho has been doing longer stretches away with training this month, and so his arrival last Sunday was desperately needed. I had reached kind of a scary mommy point, and was needing some reinforcement. I was just so fucking tired of the whining, the crying, the fighting. It's such a vicious cycle that just keeps on repeating itself. When they play well, it's fantastic and most of the time at the park, I have very little involvement. They find their own friends and do their own thing or they play pretty nicely together. But at home and in between activities, they are constantly battling it out--teasing, taunting, generally making each other nuts. Elisa loves to incite and she loves to work herself up too. So it's not easy being the younger sister to that.  By Sunday afternoon we were off to see the Staten Island Yankees play and I really thought the day was going to go so well with extra hands on deck...

a quick family selfie on the ferry

But what I didn't realize immediately was that it wasn't easier having Nacho around. I expect it to be, but most often it just makes my expectations higher and thus I feel more frustrated overall. The no-snack gate guards were an irritating start to the proceedings, but I tried to sort that out and was finally successful.  Joining our friends late and not feeling part of the group was also a slight downer.  When Elisa didn't like her ice cream and wanted to wash it all down the drain so she could play with the souvenir plastic cap, I should have taken a deep breath and listened. Instead I thought of all the money wasted and how annoyed that would make Nacho. Her repeated pleas further annoyed me until finally I gave in.  Then after the game, Elisa half heartedly decided to head to the field to run with all the kids out on the bases. I shuttled her from one gate to another one on the far side of the stadium to make it and before she could touch the field, she freaked out and didn't want to go. I left her with Nacho and took Carolina who was already half way out of the gate. But as I rounded the bases and tried to snap a photo, all I could see was Elisa and Nacho fighting in the stands. It broke my heart. Elisa was wailing and flailing and acting completely out of control. It's not a first for her by any means, but it's not usually that bad in public. She was a hot crying mess when I returned to the seats and tried to sort out what was going on. Apparently Nacho couldn't let her walk away and so they engaged in a Three Stooges-inspired slapfest which solved nothing and only made me angry that I would have to be the grown up to both of them. Our ferry ride home was awash in apologies from both sides, and I was feeling much better by the time we made it back to Manhattan to enjoy the sunset and a slice of pizza while the kids frolicked in Battery Park. Ups and downs indeed. After working most of Monday morning, I needed to change it up and get outside with the family and do something fun. Nacho and I both needed a getaway and the Rockaways were a perfect solution. Off we went at 3:45pm and man, it was good to be back. 

I don't write all this for catharsis as much as I do to show the other side of these photos. I spend a lot of my time capturing the little moments that mean so much to me, and I love revisiting them. But sometimes, the photos lie. How could I possibly capture the emotional toll of dealing with two high strung kids (whether happy or sad) day in and day out? I look back at these snapshots of our weekend and I wonder why it couldn't just all be good.  Why do I have to go back and revisit the bad moments over and over again? It's part of my nature to examine and reexamine and try to figure out a better way. But in doing so, I'm more exhausted.  Sometimes I feel like there's not much chance for me to take care of myself and do what I want. So in the midst of what should have been a great family outing on Sunday, all I wanted to do was run away and hide. I found solace on that boat ride back and in carving out an evening that felt more my speed. It was nice to walk through downtown after dark. It felt good to not know what was coming next. And the same was true with the beach. It was a spontaneous trip to stick our feet in the ocean and grab some delicious dinner. It felt so right and so perfect for a boring Monday afternoon. I was so happy to be there and to see the girls delighting in the ocean waves. So much of the past week has been me explaining to Elisa over and over again that she cannot expect people to want to spend time with her or be her friend if she acts so badly. I love her. I'm her mother, and I will always be there for her. But others won't. And when she spends so much of her day fighting me or crying or screaming over shit that doesn't matter and doesn't make any sense, I just cannot abide it. I refuse to let her ruin our plans and our family's mood, and I told her that. She knows what she is doing and I think it's really a choice she is making to let herself spiral out of control. I want to see her succeed in life and I want to enjoy her too. Right now, this summer, I am trying to balance that with the rest of our family's needs. It's not easy and I'm going to need some more practice. Maybe at the beach.

My girls

To be honest, Spring Break was a bit of a roller coaster for me. There were a lot of nerves going into Nacho's job interview in Atlanta mixed with questions about logistics and travel that I wasn't sure about. Add in a couple of kids who have their own agendas and then sudden lack of schedule away from home, and well, you can imagine that it didn't all go down so smoothly.  Which isn't to say that these pictures lie. They were absolutely radiant in their new Easter dresses which Grandma lovingly bought and had washed up and ready for them. Elisa and Carolina both know when to turn it on, and they gave me a good five minutes of uninterrupted photo taking, even if it did include hair bands-turned-bracelet accessorizing, a pink moto jacket four sizes too small, a stuffed animal acquired on a Target shopping trip, and some newly purchased sneakers that they just don't want to take off. They were great, the photos are beautiful, and I even managed to sneak in one that my sister so kindly offered to take. It felt like the birth of spring and I was loving all the sunshine and positivity.

But there were still plenty of moments that I wanted to delete from the week. The screaming/fighting/hitting each other usually over Elisa's taunts and Carolina's inability to control her temper. There was way too much sugar and candy which mixed with fatigue to make for a few powder keg moments. I haven't had a bedtime meltdown like the one I experienced at Stacey's house when Mia's boyfriend came over for dinner in a long, long time. Maybe never. I know the girls were both really wound up with all kinds of nervous, giggly energy seeing the young couple, but what happened after I told them it was time for bed was absolute mayhem.  It was truly explosive and it wore me down. As did Elisa's rant over not wanting to eat dinner or go to bed at mom and dad's.  She lost her shit and in the process ruined a whole evening for herself and us.  It was too much, and it simultaneously saddened and angered me.  Because like I told mom, she is so close to overcoming these episodes and yet, she cannot stop herself sometimes. And Carolina is still very much a three year old trying out lots of emotions, even if she demands that you say she's three and a half. She is testing boundaries all the time and wants more and more. Nothing is ever enough, and yet, she's much quicker to calm down and has a way of melting into acceptance that I can at least tolerate. With Elisa, I'm still struggling. So why all the negativity on such a pretty post? I don't know except to say it's where we're at lately. I want to feel like maybe the rush outdoors these past few days has given us all the breather we've been waiting for, and maybe there's hope that this summer will allow for some happier times. It's hard to see how well they get along at times (like playing in their room after school for HOURS today) and then watch them annoy each other to death over completely stupid things. But then again, that's sisterhood I suppose. And if there's anything I've learned it's that those bonds run deep in both directions. So love and anger might not be so disconnected. It's just time for me to get a bit of distance so I can survive the next decade or so. I have no doubt, they will team up against me soon enough. Those hugs already show me they know how.

Birthday week

Last night Nacho and I made it back from what was a whirlwind trip to Porstmouth, NH for 36 hours.   It was kind of a planned yet impromptu trip to visit an area north of Boston that we've been talking about a lot over the past few months. For us, there is always the feeling that New York City, as much as we love our neighborhood, is not a permanent place to live. Maybe it's because we are so far from owning anything here, or because rent goes up again in July, or just because the school outlook for middle and high school years is a bit complicated, but we constantly have the feeling that we should be considering life outside these city limits. Mind you, neither of us is in a rush to move anywhere. On the contrary, we love our little neck of the woods in Sunnyside, Queens and have built a wonderful network of families that we love and rely on for so many things.  But there's still that nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, we could have our cake and eat it too if we moved out of such an expensive place to live. So with that in mind, we wanted to check out the possibilities within an hour of Boston which included parts of southern New Hampshire. Nacho has been working at JetBlue now for a few months and has met several pilots based out of Boston that live in that area. Since we knew we'd need a car to get around, driving up made more sense than flying so we set out on Sunday morning for a little old fashioned road trip with nothing but a general sense of where we were headed and some good snacks.  

The snow that pushed through on Saturday made the whole area seem much more wintery than it has been in weeks. And the temps, though mild, were promising to take a turn for the worst after Monday. So we scampered up to Portsmouth after a nice lunch at the Red Raven in Acton, MA (another town we've been tracking). That area was nice enough, but I didn't get a strong livability vibe from it. So onward north we drove and with each passing mile, I felt like I finally had room to entertain some of these big life decisions and really talk to Nacho about them. We have all the same fears and hopes about a move out of the city. We love it and wouldn't retreat lightly. In fact, I think we both want to live here in another 15-20 years. But in the meantime, what? Do we wait this out and hope that we haven't exhausted ourselves and our bank accounts by then? Are we really giving ourselves or the girls the lifestyle we deserve? The city offers so much in the way of attractions, entertainment and socializing, but it demands a lot too. Never having a stabilized rent/mortgage and no laundry facilities, or space to get away from each other are all big considerations as our family grows.  In the four hours we meandered up north, I thought of so many options and never closed my mind to what lie ahead.  By the time we pulled into Portsmouth it was a lovely, foggy afternoon and the town seemed to be all lit up with festive town square lights and welcoming coffee shops. I could get used to this. 

The evening ended with a visit to a friend who lives in Portsmouth and who blogs about her life and all of its suburban glory. Brenna is a native New Yorker and longtime Bostonian, and she doesn't mince words when she says she loves it up north. For her, the trade offs have taken a while to get used to but now she loves it and she thinks everyone should move there. I can see why. There is a delightful mix of old and older homes with charm, relatively sane housing prices, good schools and a quality of life that I doubt you can beat in many places. A once older neighborhood is now filling up with young families and there's a Trader Joe's just down the road. Oh, and her fire place was killer. I could have stayed there drinking wine all night. But really what it boils down to is that we are still in the exploratory phases of our move-or-don't-move decision making. And having her testimony along with our two day coastal spree was exactly what I needed to fill up my reservoir with lots of things to think about. Getting up and hitting the road to Kittery, ME the next morning was another good choice. Brenna recommended Lil's Cafe for their excellent coffee and crullers, and I was not disappointed. Telling the counter girl that I had been pointed in the right direction to come there prompted a free cruller and a smile. "This one's on the house." Well, okay, then. Nacho and I tucked into a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit that couldn't have been better and an almond croissant filled to capacity with deliciously oozy and gooey almond cream. I was thinking maybe I'd never leave Lil's. I could just send for the kids...or not. It was the kind of cafe you wish you lived around the corner from so you could soak in its beautiful light and exposed brick wall while people watching and noshing on some great food. 

The rest of the day after that delicious breakfast was even more spectacular. Kittery caught my imagination even as I read the name off the map for the first time several months ago, and it did not disappoint.  I fell in love with the scenery in a way I had not expected. I stared out at the lighthouse blinking back at us from the shores of Portsmouth and I never wanted to leave. The coastline is amazing. Even on a bitterly cold and windy day, we drank in the clear blue waters and long stretches of rocky shoreline. It was such a treat to jog along Route 103 north up to Nubble Lighthouse and see the little beach towns dotting the coast. What a different place it must be in summer. Though I loved having it all to ourselves on this wintery day, I felt like I could really get to know that area with more time.  I hope we will. Driving back home after just a day and a half was only made better by the sense of excitement and fun of having the Three Kings to celebrate the next morning. We scooped up some toys and a Rosca de Reyes cake at a local bakery in Bridgeport, CT so that arriving home at 9 p.m. wouldn't be a total joykill. We were prepared. And the re-entry was fairly smooth, even if we didn't come home with a perfectly clear vision of our how our lives will go. We enjoyed the ride and the views from our little escape and that was enough for now.