So it finally happened. We've entered the dangerous stage of "Things-she-says-in-public-that- make-you-cringe." Oh, the joy of having a sassy three year old. The first time was a few months ago when Elisa suddenly made a loud proclamation that the man next to us in the restaurant was "biiiiig." In typical Elisa fashion, she seemed proud of her astute assessment of this poor man's girth. And yes, indeed, he was big. I opted to say nothing that time since I wasn't sure what to add to her comment and I wasn't entirely sure he'd heard her either. A close call which I decided was better to let go. No teachable moments for me, please. But the next occasion for her amazing powers of observation was a bit more questionable. We were coming home from North Carolina and sitting just next to the airport ticket counter at La Guardia waiting for Nacho to arrive outside with the car. A young South Asian (maybe Indian?) woman with her two sons asked a couple next to us for help with the pay phone nearby. As she turned and started her call, Elisa took note and as she stood right behind her exclaimed, "Mom, she's chocolate." "What?" I asked a bit confused. Elisa pointed and then repeated, "She's chocolate...and you're vanilla." Oh, right. Now we're talking skin color and there was no doubt this woman had a few shades darker on me. But still, where did this idea come from and why was Elisa announcing it as if we were ice cream flavors? So I asked her what that meant, but she gave me only some vague explanation which didn't sound exactly like she was sure what it all meant. And as I was listening I noticed that this woman hadn't heard a thing, but the couple sitting by us clearly had. In fact, the other woman was looking at me seemingly waiting for a response. It was a strange moment since I wasn't sure where Elisa had picked up this idea and I also didn't know how far to take it. So I said something about the fact that we did have different colors and that was cool. Before I'd even finished Elisa had moved on and was running around and talking about something else. Then the other woman eyed me and said her son had made similar comments starting around the age of three. I said that made sense because Elisa was just three and this was all new territory. We smiled and left it at that.
The reason I'm even writing about this now is that I think it's kind of weird that we don't talk more about how people are different and yet the same--including size and skin color. We kind of just wait for it to come up but when it does, it feels kind of unsettling. And honestly, my first instinct was to ignore it. Then I remembered reading a chapter in Nurture Shock about this very thing and how uncomfortable parents of white kids got when they were asked to talk openly about race with their kids even when they were volunteering for a study about race. There's a great summary of that here if you're interested, but the point seemed to be that kids--even babies--notice these things anyway so pretending to be colorblind (like the hilarious Stephen Colbert) is really not helpful. It's not the noticing part that matters anyway, but what we do with that information. So who knows what will come of this new stage in our household or how Elisa will process these differences the next time it comes up. But I'm starting to feel like it's my responsibility to actively acknowledge what she sees and hopefully minimize my own embarrassment as I make sense of it all. It's not easy knowing what to say, but perhaps if I take inspiration from my namesake Vanilla Ice, I'll find the words...
3 comments:
Great posting. I don't know if you remember Jordan's assessment that he was peach and "they" were brown--not black, when he was about 4. He was going to Ms. Christine's DayCare at the time...and was the only white kiddo there. I think the willingness of children to openly talk about the differences they see is good. It's the adults that make an issue where there isn't one. Glad you quoted Nurture Shock...love that book!
I totally agree w/ the nuture shock approach and have been trying to figure out ways to appropriately acknowledge differences. Also, trying to get G not to make comments on others' appearances (esp. size) b/c "it's not polite" regrdless of the comment - not sure that it is having any effect but oh well.
There is a kids book at our neighborhood toy store that (along the lines of the nuture shock theory) talks all about all the wonderful skin colors and likens them to ice cream flavors. I'd bet money maybe she saw it at preschool. Possible? If I can find the title I'll pass it on.
Hi Ann, love this post. Like you said children do notice difference, skin color, accents, everything and there is nothing wrong with that. However what is important to acknowledge is that they do not notice these differences with any negative intention, they just observe and comment in what they see. I once read that as parents we become so uncomfortable and embarrassed when children notice differences and what we need to do is acknowledge a child's observation and talk about how we are all different and totally "cool' as you said. No one is color blind, least alone children, they see more, observe more then we do and let's hope that the next generation will see differences and just accept them with no judgement or negativity - just like an innocent three year olds.
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