We made it!

Here we are in Madrid for the third January in a row. Something about those empty planes on the way over makes the whole journey more bearable. So we're catching up with Nacho's family and they are swooning over Carolina just like I predicted. And of course, they think Elisa is wonderful too and way too smart for three. Yes, she's hamming it up and trying to speak more Spanish (if only to garner more attention). So far she's imitating Tio Ignacio saying "vamos, vamos" and "que mal" with perfect intonation. And she can't get enough of the anchovy stuffed olives and pan. It's good to be back after a long year with lots of changes and these girls are going to enjoy the place even more this summer when we return. For us, this trip is just the start of sharing our family with the family and friends here. It's a long journey, but once you make it, it's so rewarding. And the sunshine in January is a welcome relief. Estamos felices!

Snap Happy

To the careful observer, my new photo blog Snap Happy is old news. It's been going since January 9th (my birthday) and is somewhat reminiscent of my previous photo-a-day blog Everyday Snapshots which I started with my friend and fellow blogger Maggie back in 2010. Yes, way back then. It was a fun experiment in blogging with someone else and trying to document that every day was really different even when it didn't always feel that way. Fast forward two years and I was feeling excited about doing something again with the post-every-single-day mentality of a photo blog. And now that I have a smart phone, it's so much easier. Like so easy I'm embarrassed to tell you how fast I can upload that shiznit. It's even more fun with the different effects and such that I can use on the camera and I'm finding it's helping me tap into some creative juices I'd forgotten about. So here we go again...another year in the life. Of me.

Checking in

As we creep closer to the 6 month mark, so many things are on my mind. Like when will Carolina sleep all night without waking to poop or babble between 3-6 a.m.? At what point can I try to move her into Elisa's room so I can take back my bedroom and sleep better myself? Is there ever a "right" time or do I just go for it? I remember thinking that by this point I'd probably move them in together, but the closer we get to 6 months, the more I think it's not the milestone I'd hoped it would be. With Elisa, things felt so much easier at 6 months. Her colic was almost a distant memory (relatively speaking) and we were managing her days and nights with greater ease. I was working again and things were starting to fall into place: it was a new life and I felt more confident in it. With Carolina, I've felt much more comfortable overall since Day 1. She has been a thousand times better as a baby which made life feel less disrupted. But the truth is, having a baby is limiting no matter how great the kid is. We can't spend all day out of the house without lots of planning and organizing food (how I hate bottles again already). And if we mess with her established naps, it's going to be a long night. So far, she's had way more colds and sniffles than Elisa did which I guess is to be expected. All those preschool germs have to go somewhere. This week it's turned into a deep cough which has me worried about our upcoming flight to Spain and whether or not she'll get worse before she gets better. I'm really hoping this clears up on its own, but that's another thing we can't predict. So we wait and in the meantime, I'm trying to get Carolina back on a routine with naps that doesn't require so much handling. Just in the last week, she's started crying again as we put her down. For a few weeks, we were getting off easy with just a couple minutes of feeding, swaddling and then boom...to sleep! But now I'm re-reading Weissbluth and trying to get things under control before our long flight and jet lag throws us into a tailspin. It's always something...

And if the weather was unseasonably warm earlier this month, it's gone to the deep freeze lately. Park time is a rarity and Elisa misses it so much. She always asks if we are going outside or if her friends can come over. She feels the indoor captivity as much as I do in the winter. We've had a pretty good run of it with her diaper-free days although occasionally there's a fight over pooping in the toilet. Seems that when she's really constipated, she won't go and waits until she has a pull-up on at nap or bedtime before she'll poop. We were out having a great Vietnamese lunch last week and everything was going so well. And then Elisa slid off her chair, hunkered down on the floor and made that face that I know too well. Luckily, I knew better than to let her wear underwear to the restaurant since she'd been complaining about needing to poop all morning long and kept refusing to sit on the toilet. And she was so relieved when I took her to the bathroom to clean her up without reprimanding her for going in her pants. It's been harder for me to give Elisa that little bit of extra patience lately, but that day I had a moment of grace. Something about this age makes me feel like she should know better about all sorts of things when in fact, she really doesn't so it's me who gets frustrated beyond my limits. I have found myself yelling a lot lately and that never feels good. Elisa pushes all the wrong buttons some days and it's her own short fuse that makes me crazy. She has no patience for anything and no one can help her. I saw an article titled "How living with a toddler is like being in an abusive relationship" and I didn't even need to read it. Oh, I got that. I live with a controlling monster and she's only three years-old. So who's fault is that? I told Elisa the other day during a particularly rough moment trying to get out the door that this family is comprised of four people now. And she is not the boss. I want her to know her place and to be secure in the sense that we love her, but we are not going to be walked all over. Finding that balance has been harder and harder lately, but I'm trying. Fortunately, we have a very patient girl in Carolina which makes dealing with Elisa at her worst so much easier. And hopefully as we approach 4, things will start to mellow a bit. I know I could use that.

So that's the update...the long and the short of it. Most days I feel very blessed to have these two girls in my life and to be at this place where I can spend so much time with them. They won't always be this young (nor will I), so I should try to embrace the weeks and months of changes as the time ticks ever onward. It's not easy and there are many moments I wish I had a desk job where I could sit and stare out a window while I gulped down lunch**. [**Yes, I do realize the grass is always greener]. But mostly, I am glad I have such a hardworking husband who makes all this possible. He has just finished a difficult year with lots of transitions at work and he never complains. That's my job. ;) But we both know that time is a luxury and we have to be thankful that we are able to take this trip to visit relatives and friends abroad and share these girls with the people who love them. They deserve that and much more.

Some days

Some days it feels like we still live in New York City. Some days we get out for a walk and let the day unfold like we used to. Some days it even feels fun. Some days I remember that I used to hold my husband's hand as we walked down the street. Some days I think about all the favorite places we used to eat and shop. Some days I don't miss that old life because I have a new one with two wonderful girls. Some days that is enough.

For Jaimee

Photo courtesy of Adam Greene

Today I celebrated my 37th birthday and lost a friend to complications from bile duct cancer. Jaimee was also 37 years old and lived here in New York until her cancer took her to Ohio for treatment and recuperation with her family. Just a year ago she found out there was something wrong. She was jaundiced and had sought out some medical advice before the holidays. It was early January when she announced she had cancer and would be staying with her mom until things were stable. She was back in New York last summer which was the last time I saw her and we chatted about my pregnancy and caught up about her new cookbook which had finally been published. It was a happy time and I remember thinking she must be so relieved to be home. Even without family around, for most of us this city is home. It welcomes us back and offers so much for the taking. And I think for Jaimee that was equally true. Strangely, this last encounter was actually a dinner party honoring another friend, Patrick, who had died from cancer the year before. Patrick's death at 25 from testicular cancer was one of those tragedies you just don't get over. He was so young and so full of promise that it still feels like the world was robbed of something great. It just does. Nevertheless, this breezy June evening at our mutual friend Molly's apartment in Astoria was a nice evening with friends and Jaimee was her usual bubbly self even if the physical strain of treatment and multiple surgeries had taken some of her strength. We met a handful of years ago through Molly, a fellow baker and co-worker of Jaimee's from their days at Amy's Bread in Hell's Kitchen. It was really through that network of friends and our Thanksgiving meals at Molly's that I got to know Jaimee. She always entertained the kids so well and had funny little anecdotes as only a single girl in the city can share. Whenever I think of her, that smile is the first thing that registers. She had a glint in her eyes and a beautiful, wide smile. That was Jaimee and I will miss her dearly.

Perhaps it's the flash of my own mortality on this birthday, but I can't help but feel that life is too precious. How do any of us carry on when there is no promise that we get another day? And what does it mean to leave children as your legacy? I used to think that if I could just have kids first before dying that I would feel a sort of relief or complacency about death. But that's not true any more. Now I'm greedy. I want to see these children grow and live full lives, and I want to be the one to help them when they too enter the sacred world of motherhood. I want it all. Just like I wanted that for Jaimee. But that wasn't to be. She is gone and this connection I have to her is engrained on my birthday for years to come. So that's what I will do. I will honor Jaimee every year with the thought that life is short--too short sometimes. And then I'll blow out my candles.

Heat wave

Okay, it wasn't a real heat wave, but for January, this week felt pretty darn good. Highs a couple of days in the upper 50s and no harsh winds. I'll take it. We even managed to get to the park for a few hours twice this week. What a treat. Did I mention it's January?

I mean anything that helps pass the time these days is welcomed, but time outdoors is a special kind of fast forward (and lord knows I've been looking for a little help lately with all the cabin fever we've had). The afternoons just flew by. We ate lunch outside, and chatted with friends. I think everyone we know was at the park on Saturday for at least a little while. It was a gorgeous day and more appropriate for early spring. Carolina napped just enough to stay happy and Elisa was totally in her element running around and completely ignoring me. Ahhhhhh....too nice to last, but such a welcome relief. Tomorrow is my birthday and we're back to highs in the mid 40s. Not bad for early January, but just cold enough that you don't want to hang out too long outside. I mean, I can remember more birthdays with snow on the ground than not, so this is still a bonus week in my book. I've seen a few more days in the 50s coming up, but I won't count on them until they happen. Something about savoring each one as the last is what helps me cope with the winter doldrums. One day at a time is all I can do right now when we're stuck at home so much of the time. But heat wave, you were so kind to pay us a visit. Come back soon.

Num, nums

Everything about this kid has been calmer. Why should food be any different? We started one serving of brown rice cereal a day on Friday and so far, she's been pretty good about taking bites and trying not to gag. Not as natural as her sister, who of course devoured her first bites with an intensity that only matches her personality. But still, Carolina seems to be getting the hang of it and she smiles like crazy when you pretend to chew with her.

And yes, there was Elisa right by my side asking every 3 seconds if she could feed the baby. Of course. So I let her have a crack at it after a few minutes and she didn't do too bad. Her problem was leaving the spoon resting on Carolina's tongue and making her gag worse than she already was. But after a few gentle corrections, she seemed to do better. So that's the beginning of solids around here. I can't remember how quickly things progressed with Elisa, but I'm thinking within a month she was trying some veggies too. So exciting this time around and not at all the kind of anxiety-producing exercise it was with E. And thank goodness. So many things are different with Carolina, but still it brings back a flood of memories from the first time and ideas of what to do better. If that's possible. Elisa seems to be a pretty good eater for a three year old, so hopefully this one will be too. Who knows, but I'm excited to see!

Fabulous Five

Five months ago I had a baby. Is that possible? Who is this girl who's inching dangerously close to her first birthday? Most days it feels like Carolina is still my little baby. She slobbers on and gums everything in her reach, and she definitely has the 3-hour sleep/eat/play schedule down pat. In fact, I've recently started lamenting that whole schedule thing that develops after the initial craziness of the newborn period wears off. Somewhere around month 4, Carolina got her groove and her days were much more predictable just as I remember Elisa's started to be. It's more manageable for sure, but it also means that naps are more routine and interfering with them brings consequences. I've definitely had a better time recently with the whole sleep training stuff and we've found our little rhythm that seems to leave Carolina sleepy but not fully out. She doesn't cry much if at all, but we haven't quite figured out how to pull the plug on the swaddle or put the kibosh on the nighttime wakings as effectively. I'm still relying on the swing to lure her to sleep when it's 3 a.m. and I'm too tired to care. And ever since I read that the weight limit for the thing is 25 lbs., I honestly haven't been too bothered to change my ways. I know she won't be small enough for it forever, so what's the harm? I think that's my attitude for a lot of things these days. This time has already flown by, so I know we're making progress on all fronts even though some nights I curse her waking up and needing my help to fall back asleep. But everything in time...we'll look back at this first six months soon and be wondering where her babyhood went. I see other new babies in our group sitting up or eating solids and we're just behind them. All of us experiencing this second child with the same wonderment over how fast these kids are growing. Five months down and in just a few more weeks, Carolina will make her first trip to Spain. The idea that she has more family to meet and a whole country to see has me giddy with anticipation. Which is a good thing because that flight over with two kids is going to be a beast. Oh well. That's for another day. For now, we are home and staying warm and embracing the new year slowly. But not too slowly...