Ups and downs

Summer update: things are going about as well and as terrible as I predicted with two girls out of school full time. It's awesome to have no schedule, to sleep a little later, to make the park an all day adventure and still find some time for some real fun occasionally. But it's also true that everyone is running a bit on empty with all this activity. Naps haven't been happening for anyone and at times that really shows. At Carolina's age, Elisa was still sleeping 2-3 hours a day every afternoon, but we seem to have streamlined that from our current existence. Sometimes I love that freedom from nap duty, and sometimes I want to smack myself in the forehead repeatedly. It's also the case that Nacho has been doing longer stretches away with training this month, and so his arrival last Sunday was desperately needed. I had reached kind of a scary mommy point, and was needing some reinforcement. I was just so fucking tired of the whining, the crying, the fighting. It's such a vicious cycle that just keeps on repeating itself. When they play well, it's fantastic and most of the time at the park, I have very little involvement. They find their own friends and do their own thing or they play pretty nicely together. But at home and in between activities, they are constantly battling it out--teasing, taunting, generally making each other nuts. Elisa loves to incite and she loves to work herself up too. So it's not easy being the younger sister to that.  By Sunday afternoon we were off to see the Staten Island Yankees play and I really thought the day was going to go so well with extra hands on deck...

a quick family selfie on the ferry

But what I didn't realize immediately was that it wasn't easier having Nacho around. I expect it to be, but most often it just makes my expectations higher and thus I feel more frustrated overall. The no-snack gate guards were an irritating start to the proceedings, but I tried to sort that out and was finally successful.  Joining our friends late and not feeling part of the group was also a slight downer.  When Elisa didn't like her ice cream and wanted to wash it all down the drain so she could play with the souvenir plastic cap, I should have taken a deep breath and listened. Instead I thought of all the money wasted and how annoyed that would make Nacho. Her repeated pleas further annoyed me until finally I gave in.  Then after the game, Elisa half heartedly decided to head to the field to run with all the kids out on the bases. I shuttled her from one gate to another one on the far side of the stadium to make it and before she could touch the field, she freaked out and didn't want to go. I left her with Nacho and took Carolina who was already half way out of the gate. But as I rounded the bases and tried to snap a photo, all I could see was Elisa and Nacho fighting in the stands. It broke my heart. Elisa was wailing and flailing and acting completely out of control. It's not a first for her by any means, but it's not usually that bad in public. She was a hot crying mess when I returned to the seats and tried to sort out what was going on. Apparently Nacho couldn't let her walk away and so they engaged in a Three Stooges-inspired slapfest which solved nothing and only made me angry that I would have to be the grown up to both of them. Our ferry ride home was awash in apologies from both sides, and I was feeling much better by the time we made it back to Manhattan to enjoy the sunset and a slice of pizza while the kids frolicked in Battery Park. Ups and downs indeed. After working most of Monday morning, I needed to change it up and get outside with the family and do something fun. Nacho and I both needed a getaway and the Rockaways were a perfect solution. Off we went at 3:45pm and man, it was good to be back. 

I don't write all this for catharsis as much as I do to show the other side of these photos. I spend a lot of my time capturing the little moments that mean so much to me, and I love revisiting them. But sometimes, the photos lie. How could I possibly capture the emotional toll of dealing with two high strung kids (whether happy or sad) day in and day out? I look back at these snapshots of our weekend and I wonder why it couldn't just all be good.  Why do I have to go back and revisit the bad moments over and over again? It's part of my nature to examine and reexamine and try to figure out a better way. But in doing so, I'm more exhausted.  Sometimes I feel like there's not much chance for me to take care of myself and do what I want. So in the midst of what should have been a great family outing on Sunday, all I wanted to do was run away and hide. I found solace on that boat ride back and in carving out an evening that felt more my speed. It was nice to walk through downtown after dark. It felt good to not know what was coming next. And the same was true with the beach. It was a spontaneous trip to stick our feet in the ocean and grab some delicious dinner. It felt so right and so perfect for a boring Monday afternoon. I was so happy to be there and to see the girls delighting in the ocean waves. So much of the past week has been me explaining to Elisa over and over again that she cannot expect people to want to spend time with her or be her friend if she acts so badly. I love her. I'm her mother, and I will always be there for her. But others won't. And when she spends so much of her day fighting me or crying or screaming over shit that doesn't matter and doesn't make any sense, I just cannot abide it. I refuse to let her ruin our plans and our family's mood, and I told her that. She knows what she is doing and I think it's really a choice she is making to let herself spiral out of control. I want to see her succeed in life and I want to enjoy her too. Right now, this summer, I am trying to balance that with the rest of our family's needs. It's not easy and I'm going to need some more practice. Maybe at the beach.