The difference

It's been a while since I've made a real post on how we're doing. Like where we're at with the daily grind, parenting stuff--the real meat and potatoes of this blog in its early days. Sleep doesn't dominate the conversation because we are all getting it again after so many years of bumps in the road. No one wakes up at night any more. I can hardly believe it myself most of the time. We are stroller-free now for a good year or so which is kind of amazing when you realize how dependent you were on that one apparatus for so long. Our lives the past couple of years have had more moving parts and thus the blog has become more of a travelogue. It's been my recorder of deeds, both good and bad, but there hasn't been the same amount of ruminating on motherhood and how much things are changing.  And in one respect, I don't miss that philosophical stuff. I have a better sense of myself as a mom and it's not so critical to me to figure it all out right here. I forgive myself a multitude of parenting sins (screaming too much, being inconsistent, lack of follow through, etc.) which I'm not proud of, but neither am I seeking anyone's approval. This is how we roll. And it's pretty good most of the time. So far I'm keeping everyone alive, well fed, and mostly happy. The tantrums and tears still creep in, mostly every day--theirs and mine--but we manage. Life keeps going and I'm looking years ahead instead of weeks. I'm not living for the next big milestone anymore because we're just living. Being a mom is not all I am, and that's another good thing. I'm a wife and a friend and a pretty decent photographer. I'd say I'm not digging as deep here on the blog because I know as soon as I put words to it, the thing changes. So I've managed to live more of this life in my head and let my images speak for me most of the time. 

It's also true that the milestones for 4 and 7 year olds pass faster than I can even remember to write them down. There are the fun things like watching Carolina master writing her own name (and everyone else's in the family) or seeing Elisa's face light up when she talks about making it to a new reading level at school (something that hasn't come easy). There have even been a few times that I have caught myself thinking that this blog has captured it all really well. I love looking backwards and forwards, reliving our lives at different stages.  And then I think yes, but it also glosses over so much. Carolina's temper and moodiness of late haven't gotten much air time. We can mostly talk her back down to the sweet girl we know, but it's tiring after a long day. So many tears.  I haven't written about Elisa's prolonged use of nighttime pull ups which only recently ended. Partly, I didn't want to embarrass her or make a big deal out of something that really wasn't in her control. But I think I also didn't want the judgement. Carolina has't used them for close to a year, so I knew it was more of a physiological issue than a question of maturity. Still, it wasn't something I felt I could share. 

And the same is true for Elisa's emotional upheavals. For a kid that can be so charming and conscientious at school, she often loses all sense of decorum at home causing meltdowns and tears all around. As a parent, there is something especially unnerving about waiting all day to see your child come bounding off the bus and then have her begin screaming and arguing with you within minutes of their arrival. For Elisa that's an average day. It's almost like she saves up all her anxiety and irritation for me personally. And often within mere seconds of greeting her, she has an idea or a plan that we cannot execute (for whatever reason) and it sends her flailing off into the deep end of her emotions. I cannot reel her back. About a month ago, I noticed these episodes were occurring with a brutal frequency and I reached out to her guidance counselor at school. It wasn't that I thought things would change much through talking, but at this point, it couldn't make things much worse. It also set us on a path to finding some other means to understand Elisa better and as part of that tomorrow I will take her for a research study on emotional regulation in kids that I hope gives us some better insight. I'm not expecting anything earth shattering from this day of tests and questionnaires, but I am feeling better about my own part in this puzzle. 

So often I forget that it's okay to reach out for help, to ask questions when you don't have all the answers. I love these girls so much. I just want to understand them better....with less screaming on all our parts.  I'm reminded of that Taylor Swift song "Out of the Woods" that we had on repeat for weeks this winter. Sometimes in parenthood it feels the same way--always waiting to see if you have made it past the breaking point.  "Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet, good." It made me think about the ways the bonds of mother/daughter are so fraught with emotions both good and bad. It's been a long journey these 7 and a half years since I became a mom and I see more clearly my own limitations now. The need to share every detail of my experience has faded. But still I plug on with this blog and with my own way of telling this story. The story of our family.