Beach Week '12

It's been a while since we've had a proper NC Beach Week in Emerald Isle since last summer I was having a baby and the year before that we were run out because of a hurricane.  Three years full of trips to other shores, but I was missing our oceanfront visits here. It was time to give it another go.  My parents got Aunt Barbara and our old family friend Leroy on board to join us, and Stace and the kids are back East now which made this feel like the right time.  Yes, on paper 2012 should have been my year to enjoy the beach. Except so far it's not. I think we're still a year--or two *gulp*--away from me being able to really relax. There's still way too much neediness, sleep maintenance, crazy tantrums and wiping sand off of food to enjoy my beer on the beach and swim in the surf. Oh, and the sharks. Did I mention we were swimming in shark-infested waters yesterday? Yeah, so far, I'm surviving this trip and it's nice to be with family if for no other reason than to hang out and eat. But the beach part of things isn't as carefree as I would like. If Elisa is ready for the beach at 9 a.m., Carolina is just heading off to nap. When Carolina is up and fed and ready to go to the beach with me, you guessed it--Elisa is ready to come up and nap. It's a neverending cycle of do this/do that for everyone else when all I really want is to be selfish and lay on the beach with a good magazine.  Maybe trips away from the kids aren't a good idea anymore since instead of refueling me for another round, it's just made me crave my own downtime all the more. 

It doesn't help that I'm in the middle of a vicious downturn with Elisa.  I'm just running on empty with that kid.  She seems constantly sleep-deprived from all the early morning wakings with Carolina, refuses to go back to bed and then makes us all pay for it throughout the day.  She gets way too sassy and defiant too many times a day.  She gets upset and cries for every little thing and then all my energy is spent trying to deal with her mood swings instead of the business at hand. And instead of finding some patience to deal with it to help us both move on, I just want to scream and run away.  It's not pretty.  I normally have days like this that come and go, but this particular cycle seems to be stuck on rinse and repeat.  I just need a glimmer of hope or a sign that it will end soon.  I keep thinking that I've been putting up with screaming and crying and general defiance from Elisa for 4 years now and I deserve better than that. What is wrong with her that she cannot control herself or communicate any better than she does?  I've seen her do it and it's wonderful.  Why can't the outbursts and the bad days be fewer and further between? And yes, I know she's only 4. But fuck. It's just too much some days.  Which leaves me to wonder if it's me that's failing her? I don't know. I've been hoping that once Carolina's nap schedule whittles down to one a day, we might consider keeping Elisa in school til 3 p.m.  Maybe that would be best for both of us. Because this vacation away from our humdrum routine of apartment/school/park time is giving me time to reflect on what I would like our life to look like when we get home. Hopefully we can break through this and enjoy the days that are left here.  And if not, there's always 2013.