Me time

Today I had a doctor's appointment in the city at noon. It's the kind of thing I would normally rush to and from without so much as a stray thought about all the things and places I could visit in between.  So much of my love affair with this city was established in the early years of our living here--the daily commute taking me into Manhattan that ensured I passed all kinds of people and stores, and the way our weekend jaunts would walk us through new neighborhoods bursting with restaurants and lively parks and greenery. It's a beautiful place when you give yourself time to wander and take it all in. And I've been sorely missing that.  Part of me has that mother's brain that never really shuts off when I'm away from the kids. I have their time table running in the back of my head and I wonder if they are doing okay, fighting things or if they need anything I'm not there to give. It's completely illogical since I know Nacho is just as capable a parent and he has found his own rhythms and routines that work just as well.  But still, it's there--hardwired in me--and I have to consciously suppress it most of the time when I'm away from home or the girls.  

For the year that I worked after having Elisa, it was a force I struggled with and I admit got the better of me quite often.  I couldn't be two places at once, and it caused me to be scattered and distracted at the office and often nervous and hurried at home.  I felt like I couldn't win no matter where I was.  Then I got let go.  And despite the devastation of losing my professional identity and work friends, it was suddenly okay to just be in one place. I was home. I was a mom.  There was a sense of harmony about life, and I could focus on just being good at being Elisa's mom.  My fractured existence had become whole again because I didn't need to balance anything--how easy, I thought! But of course, there were drawbacks.  I wouldn't enjoy time away from her or even time to myself most days.  And then just when I was getting some space to breathe and relax a little, we had another kid.  The demands of a newborn took precedent and I surrendered to it with more grace this time.  I knew the intensity would wane over time and I would start to feel like I had a piece of myself back from the brink.  As a family, we are officially done adding to the brood which is a relief but also bittersweet.  We had been planning for this life for years and we were so lucky that it all worked out. We are incredibly fortunate to have these two healthy happy girls, and we know it.

And so now, nearly 3 1/2 years into this experiment of motherhood, I'm starting to dabble in the idea of just being me again. Just me. Not somebody's mom, not someone's employee. Not anyone, but the person I want to be.  It's at once scary and liberating because I really don't know what's next. Where am I going and what personal development or goals do I have?  And yes, I realize the concept is nothing new. I suppose it's part of the transformation of motherhood that we delve deep into our new identities only to eventually find a way back to ourselves. For the uninitiated this may sound dramatic or even bizarre, but I think most of the mothers I know have had this dilemma play a part in their lives. And some are much more graceful at bouncing back and finding a way to express themselves and carry on with all parts of their life. 

But for me, it's been a struggle. And as much as I've embraced my role as a work-at-home mom, I know it's the best and worst job I'll ever have.  It demands so much and there is no break. At times I've joked that prison would be a more humane place to live--I could really go for some solitary confinement and a good book. No people? No problem!  But in truth, what I need are more chances to just indulge myself and think of no one else. So today I did just that. I walked and window shopped. I tried on jeans and new lipstick.  I studied people and the small moments we so often overlook in this rushing city.  I gave way to the tourists who didn't know which way they were going, and I held doors open for people who expected them to slam in their face.  I even stopped by a friend's office and chatted with her for a little while, reconnecting in such a fun new way. Then I grabbed lunch and started working my way home. And all the while, I listened to music--my music--and sang to myself and just felt alive.  And what I think I realized is that this kind of thing shouldn't be so hard to do every once in a while.  I need it to help me redefine who I am and what I want to do with the next phase of my life. Because becoming a mother and being a mother have been great. But there is still more. I know that and I'm excited for the rest.