Almost Seven

Today we celebrated Elisa's birthday with an ice cream social party in the park. There was a slip and slide, ice cream sundaes and plenty of ice cream cake in case you didn't get your fill the first time around. It was a gluttonous success meant to spoil our birthday girl and her friends and I think it worked. Tomorrow she turns seven. Seven. A number I can barely wrap my head around most days. Somehow I think that when I thought of myself being 40 and having daughters that would be 4 and 7, I thought life would be so much more advanced. That life would be calmer. But here I am with two girls who can turn their emotions on and off like a switch, who keep me forever guessing how to react and manage all this drama. Just in the past week, Carolina has morphed into a real, live four year old with all the crazy screaming and screeching and tantrums like you wouldn't believe. Today she channeled Billy Martin while she kicked and spewed venom at Nacho over whatever perceived slight enraged her. It made me carry her flailing out of the line for the slip and slide over to the picnic grove to cool down. It worked, but only after a lot of soothing words. And some days I don't have the words. Or the patience. I told a friend of a quote I read the other day. "Patience is what I have when there are witnesses." Oh so true. 

Today I had patience at the party. Today there were witnesses. And what I'm trying to do more of is have patience with Elisa when there aren't witnesses. Because she can frazzle my nerves like no other when she's in a mood. Tonight on the way home from the party, she screamed and thrashed in the back seat of the car because we couldn't locate her rag for her to suck her thumb. Yes, this big girl is still sucking her thumb when she needs to calm down and let her fatigue wash over her. She has been doing that for seven years. Seven. I didn't think we would be in this exact spot when I dreamt of her growing up. I didn't think it would still be such hard work. Ha. Boy was I wrong. It still is. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about unconditional love. What is it? Am I sure that I feel it? Sometimes I want to tell her that love does have conditions. It's about how you treat people and how you feel when you are with them. It doesn't mean I don't love my daughter. I love them both fiercely. But with Elisa, I want her to channel her impatience and redirect it in a way that doesn't exhaust me so much. That would be my birthday wish for her. That she can keep patience in her heart. That we both can.

I told her that tonight. She so wants a robotic dog for her big day. She's been talking about it for months probably because she knows a real dog is out of the question. But tonight I saw the fear in her eyes. What if she hasn't been good enough to get it. She pleaded with me before lights out. Please oh please, can I have that dog? I wanted to soothe her, to tell her she could have it. But I also know that she is going to have to learn more patience in order to play with it. It is a complex toy that needs love and attention. It will demand it of her if she doesn't concede. Is she ready for that? Can she overcome her emotions to be that kind of caregiver, even if only to a robot?  I left her room tonight hoping that she will awake tomorrow with newfound calm and the ability to be patient and kinder to her family and friends. I want to see her happy, I really do. I want to see her grow into the girl I dreamt she would be. I hope she likes her new dog.