Under the Big Top

After Friday's horrible news, it was easy to forget what a magical evening we had the night before at the Big Apple Circus.  But since I need some cheering up this weekend, here are some photos from our second annual playgroup outing.  A few of us made it into the city around 5 p.m. to meet up at the Holiday Market at Columbus Circle where we grabbed a light bite before the show. The kids enjoyed running around a huge tree just there on the outskirts of Central Park, while we noshed and sipped warm cider.  It was a pretty comfortable evening for mid-December and I was happy to be out enjoying the city's festive mood again.  Once we were ready to walk over, the kids could barely contain their excitement.  We snapped a few quick pics outside by the Lincoln Center fountain before heading in to grab our seats.  Of course at the circus you have to get some popcorn and nearly every kid had a cotton candy spool to himself.  Our friend Monica did an awesome job once again wrangling us discounted tickets and a whole section to ourselves close to the ring.  As for the show itself, I think it was every bit as much fun as our first time.  The theme of this year's circus was probably even more suited to our target audience. It was less of a contrived storyline and more about the history of the circus. The animals came out first along with a trapeze artist and the kids were transfixed.      

Elisa had taken a good nap that afternoon in preparation so the evening went pretty smoothly.  She started to get tired about midway through the second act and ended up on my lap for the last 5 minutes.  Unlike last year when some of the kids were way too exhausted or overwhelmed to enjoy the whole show, I think everyone stuck it out this time.  It's so fun to see how the kids relate to one another and how much they love sharing these activities with friends.  Having our playgroup peeps to celebrate the holidays like this is very special and I hope it's a tradition we'll have for many years to come.  Hopefully next year we can bring Carolina along for the thrills since this year would have meant chasing her around and missing half the show.  All in all, the circus was a great night out on the town and a chance to see the brilliance of these performers in their element. We laughed and clapped and gasped together. And just thinking about the spectacle of it all brings a smile back to my face. Elisa shouting, "Oh my God! I never seen those before!" about the white ponies circling the ring.  It doesn't take much to impress these kids and they delight in all of it.  Childhood at its best.

Losing the mundane

Today there was a shooting. Twenty-seven people killed at an elementary school in Newtown, CT about an hour's drive from New York City. Twenty of those killed were children. My mind tries to understand how that could happen, but there is no way to really comprehend how someone could murder innocent children. I heard on the news tonight that there were doctors and trauma centers around the area mobilized and ready for the rush of victims. Only three showed up. Of those, two later died.  The rest--all children--were already dead. They were killed in hallways and classrooms where they stood and sat, played and learned. They didn't stand a chance.  Even as I write this and think of how quickly it must have all happened, I cannot stop the tears. I am a mother now.  I have been rewired to grieve differently--to feel more deeply the pain of other parents and of the families these deaths destroyed. I picture Elisa in Kindergarten next fall and the joy I hope to feel when she begins her scholastic journey. And then I imagine it all ending. How?  How could life be so unfair? 

So this afternoon as I tried to keep the news off and my mind distracted by the endless cycle of clean/cook/clean again, I obliged all requests from my little girls. You want to get out all the Playdoh containers, mix the colors and let Carolina lick them too? Sure. You want some cookies and jellybeans for a snack? Why not?  Life is short. Oh so short. And there is no guarantee that we get more of it, so let's try to enjoy today. As a stay at home mom, I often get caught up in the drudgery that my daily tasks present. There are bottles of milk to make, kids to get dressed and off to school.  Naps must be scheduled and bedtimes enforced.  With toys strewn all around, the apartment always looks messy.  There are always more clothes to wash, and kids to bathe.  Buying, cooking, and cleaning up three meals a day for four people is no small feat either when you fret over the nutrition you're providing and how the food will be received.  Yes, it can feel overwhelming and sometimes depressing to spend every day doing the same things with little rest and knowing there are several more years ahead of the same.  But today I was struck by how a tragedy like this robs the victims and their families of these mundane tasks.  There is such comfort in the routine.  And yet by nightfall today, we know there will never be another rush to get ready for school like this morning's. The drop off or bus ride will not end with a simple wave of the hand.  Those last kisses and hugs keep playing out in my mind and I wonder if this had happened to us, would I remember those last moments I spent with my kids?  What must it feel like to know that tonight no dinner is needed.  There will be no bath and bedtime routine.   

Elisa began asking questions recently about a small makeshift memorial we pass for a man who was killed in front of an apartment building 2 blocks away from our home.  I attended the vigil without her mainly because I didn't know how to explain it.  But when she passed by one day and began asking questions, I did my best to answer them. There was his photo. Yes, he was hurt really bad by some mean people. They hit him on the head. He fell. He went to the hospital. "Awww, poor man," she said.  "And he's still there? "  "No, he died. Do you know what it means to die?"  A blank stare.  "Well, it's kind of like sleeping, but you can never wake up and never talk to your family or friends again."  It might not have been the best description, but I hadn't been expecting to have the conversation so I went with something resembling the truth.  Elisa seemed to repeat it all back, but later on she started jumbling up ideas and thought he had perhaps burned himself on the candles at the site.  No, I explained, those candles were put there after he died. It's a way for people to remember him. And this is when I realized just how hard it is for a 4 year old to grasp the severity and finality of death. Day after day, Elisa has managed to invent a new outcome for this man.  Yes, yes, he's dead, but....he somehow manages to have a very busy life.  And there is no need for me to keep drilling it in her head. He's dead. He can't do that, Elisa. I just try to steer things back to reality and then move on. 

But today, I knew there was no chance of explaining this tragedy. I made the conscious decision that TV news is not for the preschool mind, and I limited my reading to only a few basic news stories.  I had to stop myself. It was hard to be peering over a laptop with tears welling in my eyes while answering pleas for more Spongebob and juice refills.  And so I watched my girls play.  Every movement was joyous, every shriek an expression of their love for each other.  It was innocence and the complete antithesis of what I had felt earlier today reading about the school shooting.  So much despair and cruelty in the world turned against its most vulnerable members.  There is no greater horror.  I took a moment to appreciate this completely normal day and the fact that I got to spend it with my children.  I got to greet them after their naps and hug them until they forced me away. It was exactly what I needed. 

Swinging on the UES

On Tuesday we had a follow up appointment for Carolina to get her second flu shot of the season. The downside to having our pediatrician in Manhattan is pretty manageable (two trains to get there), but the upside is clear: the time we spend together in the city before and after.  These visits often prompt us to look for something fun to do nearby with the girls, and this week the choice was obvious. I'd just read the review of Ann Hamilton's installation "Event of a Thread" at the Park Avenue Armory in the NY Times and seen a FB photo of my friend Micki and her son Hiro there last week.  Sometimes you just know when a piece speaks to you and seeing the giant swings and billowing curtain assured me this could be a family-friendly outing. And it almost was...

Kind of like my post last summer about how Facebook and blogging have a way of perpetuating deceit, the snapshot of our time swinging around and lounging in this beautiful space was not nearly as carefree as it appears.  It wasn't a total nightmare either. But most of my time was spent chasing a cranky toddler around while she weaved in and out of the swings and screamed from one end of the Armory to the other. Let me tell you, the acoustics are awesome.  I tried my best to take some photos in the midst of the chaos because it really did seem that Nacho and Elisa were having fun. But every time I put the camera up to my eye, Carolina bolted and I couldn't be sure she wasn't going to take a wooden swing right in the face.  As for trying to get her on the swing, she wasn't a fan.  Probably because of her earlier vaccination and her post-shot stroller nap, she was in a very clingy mood with me. Nacho tried to take her for a bit, but she only wanted "Ma-ma."  Thankfully, the space was huge and even with her crazy antics and bursts of movement, we managed to keep her out of other people's way. 

And Elisa wasn't without her own drama either. She didn't like sitting by herself on the swing and whined for most of the time we were tending to Carolina.  Just looking around at all the adults having such childlike fun swinging and talking to friends and hanging out made me realize these kinds of things are so different depending on who you're with.  And for now, my companions are too young to really see beyond their own immediate needs to appreciate the bigger picture--that this kind of room doesn't exist anywhere else. So I took some photos and tried to savor one last swing by myself. And then we packed it up and headed back out on the cold sidewalk.  But given the chance to go back there alone, I'd totally do it. Sometimes being a kid again is so much better without kids.

December countdown

We're approaching the middle of December and so far, I think we're making good progress on the holiday merrymaking. Of course, with kids in the picture, it's really less "merry" and more "mess" making, but you get the point.  Part of me knows that I have to move through the paces even when I'm feeling less than great. In fact, Saturday was not a banner day in our household--long story, but it ended with me in the kitchen while everyone napped, huddled around my laptop during a gray depressing afternoon.  Yet, I still felt compelled to get out and get the tree already, damn it.  So around 5 p.m. I bundled Elisa up and she went with me up to Home Depot to pick out the perfect tree. This is mostly my job because A) I'm totally anal when it comes to getting the right tree and B) Nacho hates live trees and would be just as happy not getting one. I know, he didn't grow up with this tradition so it's hard for him to appreciate the magic of a fresh pine tree in his living room. But really, after 13 years together, you'd think he would know me well enough to stop protesting. I always win.

From the looks of it, Elisa wasn't in the mood either

Luckily, pizza cheered her up

Tinsel mustaches are so hot right now

Yes, I totally bribed my kids to take this photo with ice cream...so what?

We had a few moment of craziness with Carolina shrieking and trying to destroy all the ornaments. And I knew better than to hang the ones I would really hate to see smashed.  But still she managed to break a small glass ball despite keeping most of the fragile ones up top. Days later and she's leaving the tree alone most of the time which is why I think it's important to still have these traditions even when your kids are little. I remember when Elisa was a baby and I heard from friends and neighbors that several of them didn't get a tree because of their kids. I guess I have taken the approach that you can still do it, but be smart about it--don't hang the really good stuff and keep soft, droppable ornaments low enough that they can touch and move past the "off limits" vibe.  Once Carolina realized she could touch it, I think she got over the tree real fast. But I am waiting a bit to put out wrapped presents. I really don't want her opening them before the big day and ruining the surprise for Elisa. And okay, I don't want to catch Elisa sneakily opening them either. Thinking I'll put these out on Christmas Eve when we do our sibling gift exchange and then they can go to bed all crazy excited. Oh, yeah, that should work.

As for the mandatory gingerbread house, we attempted that on Sunday while Nacho was working. I should have thought it out a bit more and made the thing while Carolina napped. But we were busy with a friend's tree trimming party that morning and by afternoon, BOTH girls needed to rest. So I promised Elisa we'd decorate the house once she woke up. And sure enough, she sprang out of bed asking about it. I love that kind of excitement...until she's asked me 40 times if she can eat the gingerbread man and we haven't even started construction yet. Ugh, the whining. Lately it's been out of control and that afternoon was no different. Elisa always seems to find exactly the wrong time to annoy me with her incessant questioning which makes concentrating on anything impossible. Nevermind that Carolina was simultaneously shrieking and clawing at the table to get some candy. It was enough to make me want to take the gingerbread kit and dump it in the trash. But better sense prevailed, and after silencing them both with WAY too much sugar, I got the house up and we started to deck it out with lots of candy bling. 

Carolina isn't sure what to make of the green icing

Before the house is finished I relented and let Elisa eat the damn gingerbread man

Carolina manages to get up on the table herself and is all smiles

Elisa shows off the finished house

And Carolina moves in to destroy it...one gumdrop at a time

And finally, it wouldn't be Christmas time if we didn't add a little decoration to the girls' room. I dug out the twinkling colored lights we strung in there a few years back, and made a special afternoon out of it. Elisa was so excited and we played and danced in there until almost bedtime. 

Seeing my goofy girls wiggling and giggling to holiday music reminded me so much of the times when my sister and I would dance around our basement to the holiday classics. Those were the best times when we donned our leotards and danced wildly on that old red shag carpet.  Of course, stomping around on hard woods when you have neighbors below isn't quite the same, but for a moment I forgot about that and just remembered what it was like to be so young and carefree.  I was even getting a bit choked up with all the nostalgia.  Who knew lights had such magic?  I know these little moments are part of what I love about this time of year and the feeling of being safe and warm in the midst of such darkness all around. It's enough to banish my inner grinch for a while and enjoy the new traditions we're making as a family. Now on to the baking!

Trees, lights, glamour

The first full week of December and it was starting to feel like maybe we should start doing some of this Christmas stuff around the city. After our weekday outing to see Annie, I was eager to bring the whole family out and about for a little walk around the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. So after the girls woke up from their naps, we bundled up and headed in on the train.  The weather was a bit on the chilly side (low 40s), but with no wind it actually felt much warmer. I love nights like that this time of year with no fierce wind sending you back inside before you've had a chance to enjoy the lights and festive atmosphere. The crowds were thick, but not overbearing and we managed to let Carolina out of the stroller for a few minutes to bob and weave through the holiday sightseers.  One strange Asian tourist asked if she could "photo the baby?" which Nacho dismissed and I confusedly ignored.  Weird.  So we poked around the tree and ice rink for a bit before popping into the LEGO store.  Elisa was in love with everything she saw there. Of course, Santa wasn't planning on anything LEGO related, but we'll see. Maybe we can go back with some holiday money...

After walking up towards 5th Ave, we waited for a bit to see the light show across the street on the Saks Fifth Avenue building. It was way less exciting than I remembered, and after a disappointing shrug at the finale, we headed up Fifth towards Central Park and the big luxury department stores with their windows all aglow. It's definitely the pagan part of me that loves the dark of winter and the way lights can alter my mood so magically. Something about standing there in the cold gazing at the dramatic scenes and beautifully lit backdrops makes me feel like I am a part of that world. Even from the other side of the glass. And really, isn't that the magic of this city during the holidays? Anything is possible and even that Tiffany diamond ring looked like it belonged in my stocking. Hmmm...don't think I'm holding my breath for Santa. But it was fun to look. And Elisa got into the spirit of it without much prompting. She also wanted to sit down somewhere and later go pee. But we managed. And I even got Nacho to admit it was a fun evening. Mr. Grinch might just be coming around...

Annie!

Today we made it to Elisa's first Broadway show. First show and she's 4. I went to my first show last year. Yeah, that pretty much tells me she's a New York City kid through and through.  And this wasn't any show. It was Annie. I'd introduced her to the movie version sometime last year when I discovered it was on Netflix streaming. And to my delight, she loved it.  She started to request it for those lazy afternoons when we both needed a break.  At first she asked, "Mom, is this your show?" because I had told her it was a favorite of mine when I was a kid.  But pretty soon, she had co-opted it for herself.  So when my mom heard it was coming to Broadway, she mentioned to me that she wanted to make sure Elisa was there to enjoy it. I was surprised to find a discount offer** this time of year, but didn't hesitate to use it especially when I found two tickets in the second row, center for under $100 each. No, Broadway ain't cheap.  But I will admit today's performance of this classic musical made me a fan.  It was an absolutely perfect experience for both of us and that's hard to do.

The pace was quick and storyline was easy enough for Elisa to follow. I loved the costumes and the scenery. There's something about the everyday glamour of the 1930s that made the clothes move beautifully and really enhance the physical performances of the cast.  The supporting actors reappeared throughout in vastly different roles and really did a great job of making it all seem fun and authentic.  It's hard for me to not have a camera on hand for these kind of events, but since photography was prohibited, I had to take some snapshots with my mind to remember the saturated colors, the beautiful lighting and the way Annie looked at everyone with such a glimmer in her eye.  And that voice.  She was a natural, even if the New Yawk accent got laid on a bit thick at times.  It was all just really lovely. And I think Elisa was completely enraptured as well. Restaging it for a Christmastime setting was a nice touch, and though they didn't end up with Annie hanging from a bridge (Elisa's favorite movie scene--cue the drama), it was still a perfect finale.  There was the crystal Christmas tree all decked out, with house staff dressed to the nines, and Annie's rag tag bunch wearing great Varsity sweaters over their orphan apparel.  I found myself looking at the actors, especially the children, and wondering if they were having as good of a time as it seemed. And of course, the answer is probably no, but man, they did a good job of harnessing some of that Annie optimism.  How could you not love FDR belting out "Tomorrow" while he invents the New Deal? Is this why I love Annie? Is it because deep down she's really a bleeding heart who makes the cold Republican business titan a more tender and compassionate man?  Is she trying to sing us all out of the Great Depression and is there something in that message for us today? Who knows. But I'm still singing "You're never fully dressed without a smile" and humming along to the opening of "It's a hard knock life."  It was an infectious show and I'm so tickled we went.  I hope Elisa remembers this fondly for many, many years to come. Or at least until next week.

**And if you book now for shows before December 16th, use the code BBOX at Ticketmaster for a discount.

Stressin' Santa

Yesterday was the Holiday Boutique fundraiser for our local park, and as usual, I made it over there to get our photo with Santa.  Of course, I knew full well that this wasn't going to go off without a hitch, but then that's what I love about this occasion.  It captures my parenting style in a nutshell: smile even when someone is losing their shit. Not that I'm always so calm, but I aspire to be.  And really, when it's over a man in a red suit, I figure the 30 seconds of discomfort is worth the shot. As I told Elisa when she hesitated to go up to him, we are going to do this one way or another so you might as well make it fast.  And she did.  It always helps to remind her that Santa needs to hear from her what toys she wants this year. And as for poor Carolina, she was a champ, but the big guy didn't do anything to soothe her. Talk about a stressed Santa, he didn't even greet us. Oh well. We got the pic and if you'd like to see Elisa's reaction each year so far, click here. She's been there, done that. And luckily, it keeps getting better.