Working things out

This month marks not only a new start to the year, but also a fresh start back to work for me as well. I always expected and wanted to return to work after having Elisa, but didn't know exactly how that would feel or look like. Around the time we were marking 3 months, I began to nervously panic that I would have to go into the office again after having only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night and I just couldn't understand how people do it. I knew it would drive me over the edge in a matter of days. So I resigned myself to the idea that until Elisa got a better hold on sleep (and tummy issues), I just couldn't do anything else but attend to her 24/7.

Luckily, and I don't say this lightly, I have the best boss in New York City. She hates to be called "boss," but since she owns the company (and despite the fact that we are good friends), I think that's the best title for her. When I told her that I didn't see myself being able to return to work until Elisa was doing better and had a more normal schedule, she instantly assuaged any fears I had with a "don't even worry about it" rebuttal. By early December, Elisa was beginning to sleep through the night at long last and by her fourth month, we were starting to get a solid hold on this baby thing. It couldn't have come soon enough, but at least I was in that privileged camp of mothers with happy, sleep-all-night babes, I thought. I went to a mother's meeting in the neighborhood and was smugly quiet about my formula-fed, 12-hour girl. Ah, such sweet bliss.

As the holidays neared and passed, I knew the time was coming to get "back" to my life--whatever that meant. It felt like there was an excitement to be had out in the world that I had been missing out on, yet at the same time, I felt so completely content to be at home snuggled up to Elisa for days on end. Before I could dive in to work though, I had to think about childcare and our schedules and how Nacho and I could maybe work something out between the two of us. The benefit of his job is that he has such a varied and irregular work schedule each month which can be great when you are living life at the spur of the moment. However, it's not so conducive to planning a regular childcare schedule though, as I found out each time I thought about contracting a nanny or sitter for the days I would need one each month. I had a few conversations with moms in the neighborhood but every time I thought about leaving Elisa with someone else, I just sunk into a feeling of pitiful ambivalence. How could anyone else get to know her quirks and enjoy her fabulous expressions like we do?

Without too much prompting, my mom volunteered to come back for a "well visit" while I was getting back into the work vibe. And further to that, Nacho's mother also offered to hop over the pond for a month or so between January and February. I knew with two such dedicated women around I could brave the working world again and know that Elisa was in good hands. This may sound like a simple concept, but it is so much more complex than that. I guess after nearly 4 1/2 months together every day there is something between Elisa and I that defies explanation to those who haven't experienced child rearing. It's a feeling of being one and the same--a part of each other and yet distinct. Not only have I trained myself to be in tune with her needs, but I delight in her smiles and her joys to the point that they really feel like an extension of myself. I wasn't sure how I could be away from her so many hours a day. It made me feel anxious and sad.

But still a part of me was eager to get out of the house and be valued for all the other things I can contribute. The first few days back were slightly bizarre--just trying to stay focused seemed difficult and my head was buzzing within a few hours thinking alternately of work and of Elisa waiting for me at home. It's been 3 weeks now and I have been working some from home a few days each week which is such a blessing. Not only has it helped pace me, but I get to enjoy being in each place without as much guilt or worrying about the other. And on the days when I come home, there is a happy little girl waiting for me with a knowing look like "oh, yeah, hi....there you are again." We are both just getting used to this separation and reunion thing, but it feels good. And I appreciate my job and my family all the more for getting to have both.