The big "S"

Sleep. There, I said it. That magic word that most parents begin to appreciate in a whole new light after they have kids. I didn't think too much about it before I had Elisa. You go to bed late, you sleep in. What is there to think about? Okay, maybe you have a few early mornings getting off to work on time. Shouldn't have stayed up watching TV so late. But the weekend is coming, you can sleep then. But after Elisa was born, sleep took on a whole new meaning. In parenthood there are no weekends. There is no sleeping in again. Ever. Even if it looks like sleeping in, meaning I get to stay in bed for an extra hour while Nacho wakes up and takes care of the girls, I'm not peacefully dozing away uninterrupted. I will have woken up multiple times during the night either because of some baby grunting or to pee or both, and then again when Carolina wakes for the day. I will have helped cajole her while Nacho makes a bottle or finds his pajama pants to wear out into the living room. No, there is no such thing as "sleeping through the night." I hate that term and the way it mocks what all parents go through. The reality is that even before Carolina was born, we were up most nights at least once dealing with Elisa crying out and needing something. And she was three. Granted her outbursts are usually short lived and include requests for milk, repositioning her blanket or just some nonsense mumbled at 1 a.m. that requires no action at all, but a soothing hand to smooth back her hair and close the door again. And don't get me wrong, I still consider Elisa to be a good sleeper. She still naps every afternoon for almost 2 hours, then goes to bed willingly most nights by 8:30 p.m. I sing her a few songs, and we chat and then I leave. She doesn't get up out of bed or make a thousand requests. She falls asleep on her own and will often shout for me in the morning instead of getting out of her room. I have it pretty good. But damn it all, I still long for the time when I can sleep til I wake up. Just sleep in peace. When does that come again? When the kids can wipe their own butts and make their own breakfast? Five more years? Did I just say years??

And in the meantime, I am going through all the sleep struggles I remember having with Elisa around 6 months now that Carolina is becoming more social too. Sleep just seems so boring to her now. She doesn't get drowsy sipping the last of her bottle and in fact, she tries to sit up and get out of my arms as if she has other things to do. She has recently switched it up yet again and we are 100% swaddle-free and just a few days ago she started sleeping on her tummy. Actually, she flipped over, got mad and screamed until she passed out on her stomach. But it was a three hour nap so I'd call that a success! It gave me such hope and then she promptly dashed it again by waking up mid-nap several days in a row now screaming and not going back down. She doesn't seem to know what she wants and it's driving me a little crazy. And that's the thing about sleep. It's not a linear progression. You leap forward to a new routine or sleep habit that works amazingly and then you jump back five steps to a screaming fit that won't end or falling back on old tricks (swing, I'm looking at you). You never have it figured out and that's the terrible part. Why are some nights so good and relatively easy and then the day comes and nothing works well? Naps can last 30 minutes or three hours and you just never know which is coming. I hate that. I hate feeling like I have no control. And really, isn't that the whole crux of parenting? You do what you think is best but really, truly, you have no idea if it will work? You don't control your own day, but rather end up reacting to a series of unpredictable events that you hope will make sense by 8 p.m. And yes, I know Carolina has been a pretty awesome sleeper so far even if she's still not staying down all night without some help. With this new routine, she's even taken to falling asleep completely on her own with just a little singing or grunting sometimes. Of course, that's only if she's not too tired and you get her in the crib before that magic two hour expiration, or it's bedtime. Last night around 8 p.m. I laid her down so calmly but with her eyes still wide and her hands reaching up to grab her paci and play with it. I leaned down, kissed her forehead and left. And I didn't hear from her until 6:30 a.m. It was a great night, but somehow I still want more. This two hour cryfest of a nap has totally ruined the goodwill of the morning. So there it is. You're only as good as your last sleep. And right now, it's time to wake her to go get Elisa at school. Ugh. Waking a baby just seems wrong. But that's life with two which means naps will have to be cut short sometimes. And really, it's not the end of the world. It would just be nice to know I have another good one coming this afternoon. But I don't think there's a memo on that. Not yet anyway.