Where we're at

Some days I feel like the luckiest mom in the world because I get to be home with this girl. Even now that the tantrums have started and the shrieking can get out of control, she is still the sweetest. And she loves to cuddle when it's just the two of us. After nap she will sit in the crook of my arm or lay on my chest for a bit while we hang out on the couch.  She makes it so easy to play because everything delights her...until it doesn't.  But somehow even in her anger, she is funny. Her frowns and throwing spells have accelerated lately which must mean she's got some of her sister's temper. But it's still nothing compared to Elisa.  She really broke me in. I must remember to thank her some day because truly nothing fazes me now.  I see this toddler stage for what it is which is fleeting. The words are coming. They are almost here. The physical frustrations will give way to verbal ones soon enough. But for now, it's like playing with a mime all day. A very cheery mime.

When Elisa was about this same age I got laid off. It was a shock, though maybe it shouldn't have been.  Work just didn't have the same pull for me, and I was never in the right place at the right time.  I didn't know it then, but getting canned was the best thing that could have happened to us as a family. It gave me back some sanity and helped us forge a path ahead as a couple with a child. We were just becoming a family and being home to take care of everyone was a joy and a relief. I learned I could be good at that which made our happiness grow. And now, three years later, we have added to this mix, but found more balance. I feel we are in a safe little groove right now and I just want to protect it and cherish it. 

Because as comfortable as I feel right now in this routine of preschool drop offs and pick ups, I know it will all be changing soon enough. Last weekend I took Elisa for the Kindergarten G&T admissions testing at one of the public schools in Astoria. It was the first hurdle in a long process toward figuring out where she will go to school next fall. And I have no idea how it went, but I've lowered my expectations accordingly. It's not even a program I'm sure I'd want her to get into.  My sincere hope is that we get the Dual Language program at our zoned public school, P.S. 150.  That would be amazing.  But otherwise, I will just have to wait and see how things shake out. I can already tell it's going to be a long six months of making decisions and second guessing things.  That's just how I am.  But in the end, it will all be fine. It's only Kindergarten. I know that. And yet, for the first time this week, I realized it was so much more. I can't believe that Elisa is already here on the cusp of real school. She's come so far from that little girl I played with during the winter of my discontent.  I can see that now. And just as I do, I realize this other little girl won't be sitting in my lap for much longer. So I took a picture. I hope it never fades.